Tag: Grief

Always 

lizaaitken

I know your watching over me

and that your always there.

It sometimes gives me jitters 

if I slip on one of those stairs.

I know you see when I make mistakes, 

getting it so wrong.

When you were here I wouldn’t of said, 

with a nose so very long.

I wonder if there is anything,

that I can really hide away.

That you won’t know and haven’t seen 

when we meet again someday. 

Does it cause you worry now, 

or have those old days gone.

I’m guessing that it doesn’t, 

now your views so long.

I’m sort of getting used to it, 

you knowing everything I do.

I wouldn’t take it from anyone, 

I’ll make the exception for you.

Sometimes when I’m eating cheese,

I stop and think of you.

Knowing if your watching, 

that you would want some too.

Have I found the funny side, 

am I really making fun

But then I have your sense of humour, 

don’t I precious mum.

So you carry on watching me, 

I like to have you near.

But I don’t want any of your nagging, 

am I making myself clear.


Is there a humorous side to death, I think if you had the same sense of fun in life there has to be.  I’m often thinking what my mum would think of the pure unadulterated me. Don’t get me wrong there wasn’t much she didn’t know about me, we were very close but there are those little things we keep to ourselves. I find lies difficult, even harder now as I know she can see.  It’s like I’m checking see will approve or at least not disagree.

She wouldn’t judge she’s not like that but I think I may have disappointed her once or twice.  You see this is the other side of missing someone, if it’s true life goes on and that’s what I believe then they see everything you do!

I think I’m getting more like my mum but then that might well be because she’s around me all the time, maybe subtly influencing me. Like when I put one of her belts around my waist or throw one of her necklaces on.

Have you ever braked hard, throwing you arm protectively across the passenger seat in an empty car? I have!

Dawn

lizaaitken

At break of dawn you leave me, I’m alone again so soon

Once more the vacant feeling, spills into the room.

As the night turns into morning, you bid me farewell 

That you ever were truly here, is impossible to tell

That’s how my life is working now, I have you while asleep 

As daytime comes you go again, into my memories deep

I won’t complain out loud my love, I want you to return

I need you close at night with me, while grief I try to learn.

One day I understand dear, I’ll have to sleep alone

When I get a little stronger, understand the empty home

I’m not asking for eternity, but please stay a little while

It’s only in my sleeping time, that you bring me back my smile

Your Smile 

lizaaitken

I saw your smile on the carpet today, I hadn’t seen it before.

I see your smile all over the place, each day I see more and more.

Your smile so wide, on precious lips, I remember it so clear.

Smiling now throughout my days, it’s like you are still near.

*

I saw your hair at a cafe as I passed, I stopped my heart beating fast.

Golden ringlets with a mind of their own, waving at those walking past.

Hair of an angel, not common at all, but the woman was not you.

I had to look close, just to make sure, as she had your bone structure too.

*

I saw your hand on a checkout girl, and another one in the bank.

Hands that helped me all my life, hands I owe so much thanks.

Gentle hands so full of care, with the touch of an angel dear.

I remember holding those hands as you left, the memories still very clear.

*

I chase you down the street sometimes, pass you on the stairs.

See you in a cars traveling out of town, but know your not really there.

Memories etched deeply into my mind,  now jumping out into my days.

I feel like I still have you here in my world, that you’ll travel with me on my way.

*


Test of the Tower

lizaaitken

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I pulled the tower in 2013, not for the first time in my life but anyone who understands the tower in the tarot deck, will know it is significant.  I’m not frightened of the tower because it signifies necessary change, it’s just not always easy.  In fact I have pulled the tower at some major points in my life.   I pulled it when my husband and I lost our business, home and marriage.  I pulled it just before I quit a very well paid secure job at the beginning of 2013 and I pulled it before my mother died eighteen months later.

The tower is a test card, it usually indicates the breaking down of establishment, established ways of living, signifies necessary change and rocks the status quo.  I’m not one for thinking too much about it, what will be will be.  My friend on the other hand is terrified of the card, she makes me laugh because as much as these cards do tend to come up at the right time, they are really only for entertainment.  It could be that our unconscious self, that, that knows where we are going knows exactly where each card is in a pack.  I am quite psychic, do read the cards etc but don’t let it rule my life, as we are very much in charge of our own destiny.  Small changes we make one day might take us up a totally different path the next, although I do think the lessons along the way are the same, as is the destination.

Well the point of this post is to look at the changes that have come about for me over the last few years.  I started this blog as my mother was dying, it helped me process her impending death, she died in 2014 and I left it alone.  A few months back I came back to my blog and it is like I am a different person.  I talk out loud through my writing and I am now nearer to making sense of who I am.  It has been a difficult three years, extremely difficult.  The day my mother died, my stepfather had a heart attack and cancer was discovered.  I brought him home to live with me and he died at Christmas, two months after my mum.  I got through it with the help of my family and friends and now, two years later feel I have finally reached the other side.

I am happy, although I would do anything to have my mum back with me I have also had to stand on my own two feet.  She was my rock, she listened to me, supported me and worried about me.  There is something about the death of a parent that makes you grow up.  You have to think for yourself and make your own decisions.  It’s not that you didn’t anyway, but you did so in the knowledge that your parents were supporting you and loving you all the way.  I’m single so don’t have a partner for support but this time has been so good for me, I have discovered myself.  I’m comfortable with who I am and don’t rely on anyone for confirmation I’m going the right way.

Where am I going now, I work as a consultant in care, although it doesn’t really fulfil me anymore.  I’m between contracts and not really looking for anything along those lines, I think I’ve done my time.  I’m looking for a new direction, that’s why I have so much time to write and read your blogs.  I know I want to work in a way that will help others, I have natural empathy and can help people work things out somehow, maybe it’s because I listen and I’m good at untangling knots.  I’m a great believer in what is meant to be will not pass you by, so I’m waiting patiently.

I got a new tower today, I found it in my stats which made me think of the significance of the tower in my life.  Just maybe I will win the euro millions tonight and spend the rest of my days happy and blogging 🙂

Melancholy Afternoons

lizaaitken

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I’m having a melancholy day, it’s raining and cloudy with no sign of the sun and I’ve just put the heating on.  I’m caught up in melodies from the past from todays Daily Prompt.

Music always takes me to my mum, I’ve been talking to her a lot today, thinking about her and playing her songs in my head.  Would you believe I just sung to her ashes, I laughed when I did it because I know she would laugh too.  I’m not sure why I have her ashes but I do, it’s comfortable as it is the only physical thing I have left of her.  Not that I believe she is in any way connected to her ashes, because she’s not.  I have two pots of ashes on my shelf, it’s a back shelf and high up, I don’t have a shrine and it’s not morbid.  Anyway mum’s urn wears a large string of pearls, wrapped around a couple of times, mum never went out without a statement necklace.  Mum was incredibly fashionable, as a child I used to think fashion designers followed her around with sketch pads, as what she wore one year was in fashion the next.  I wear a necklace, handbag or belt of mums most days, as well as fashionable she was a bit of a shopaholic in her time.  Bill, my step-father who followed mum a month later wears a ribbon of tartan to match the tartan trousers he wore every day.  As you can probably guess, my parents were not ordinary in any way.  I think I probably channel their eccentricity as I’m weirder every day

That’s the thing with writing, it takes you places, today because of the melody prompt it took me back to so many memories, music being such a big part of my family and then from there to the feelings memories bring with them, warm, funny, sad and deep.

When I say I’m melancholy I’m not depressed, desolate or gloomy, I’m just with my thoughts and comfortable there.  I don’t want to party and my plan for the evening is comfort with a lovely bath, candles and yes, music.  I think it’s good to get in touch with your feelings sometimes, it slows us down and reminds us what’s real in this fast paced world we live in.

 

Witness

lizaaitken

 

 

 

 

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It is both beautiful and incredibly heartbreaking to witness someone you love die.
Beautiful as it’s the last thing you can do on earth for someone you love deeply. To hold their hand and give them permission to leave, even though every ounce of your being is screaming for them to stay.
Emotions between you are shared as if you share the same soul.  At this time there is not need for many words, you feel the way together. You feel peace and serenity in a silence between you and an acceptance and understanding that death will shortly join you.

As death comes a small part of you goes along too, the person who remains here will never be quite the same person who walked into the room.

I don’t think I need to explain heartbreaking, it speaks for itself. I have found time does make it easier, it never leaves you but you learn to live again.

Angel

lizaaitken

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My special girl of twenty six, an angel here the earth

Special needs and damaged brain, suffering from birth

With Epilepsy that’s getting worse, your fitting more and more

It’s not controlled, they’ve given up, say sudden death for sure.

.

I wonder why you came here, came to earth in such a mess

But then I answer as I ask, you were born to set this test

For us to understand you, give time and show we care 

To give you tiny bits of pleasure, in a life so hard to bare.

.

Your clearly a very special child, an angel from above

We’re very blessed to have you, you taught us how to love

So my very darling special one, I think we passed the test

Your life was not for nothing, we learnt to be our best.

.

When you go home to the angels, in light and lots of love

Know we’ll think of you each day and hear your song above

You’ll never be forgotten, by those whose life you touched

Tell the angels that we passed the test and loved you very much.

.

This silly little rhyme cannot express the feelings I have for the young woman I’m thinking about.  She has had the most difficult life, traumatised from early abuse from birth until she was taken into care and has since suffered from mental health and epilepsy.

She was fostered by my best friend as a very young child, we worked together in residential and my friend could not bare to leave her there, wanting to give her the opportunity of a family.  It was only going to be for a short while and it was never easy, but my friends an angel too you see.  My friend has given up a lot for this child and it has caused huge problems with her own family but she is nothing if not determined and resilient.

Although K has grown up, she still functions around four.  To see her breaks my heart but also makes me feel very blessed to have known her.  I’m her sort of aunty and she knows I think she is very special.

The consultants now say they can do no more for the seizures and she will likely pass with sudden death.  I’m finding this incredibly  difficult to come to terms with.  Not that I wish her a long life as it is, but because she has been denied so much.  The only way I can make any sense of this is to think of her as an angel who has come here to teach us how to be the best we can.

She’s in care so I won’t say her name apart from call her K, but if you read this and it touches you in any way, please send her love and know it will get there.

 

 

 

 

 

Time

lizaaitken

It’s scaring me now, you’ve been gone so long,

time passing too quickly, it feels very wrong.

I need to wind back the clocks, to remember the days,

as incredibly clear before you went away.

I’m feeling so frightened, that you’ll leave my mind,

with your face disappearing, then you left behind.

I’m trying to hold on to our time here as clear,

the smells and the touch, I’m just needing you near.

I’m remembering now, love and laughter we shared,

please visit in dreams, I don’t want to feel scared.

Please do get in touch, let me know your still here,

then stop time from moving,  it’s nearly two years.

 

 

Teardrops

lizaaitken

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Water drops from my eye and blots at the ink

I stare through my tears and don’t overthink

It’s your day again, the day you were born

June twenty eighth and I can’t help but morn

I know that your near, I believe that always

It’s just harder for me, as it’s your special day

Happy Birthday mum, I really love you

I know you are dancing with legs you can use

The oxygen gone, no longer required

You can float through the air without being tired

The tears are of sadness because of your pain

But also of joy because we’ll meet again.

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In response to The Daily Prompt – Water

Echo of your Voice

lizaaitken

 

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A mountain keeps an echo deep inside.  That’s how I hold your voice.

~Rumi

Your far away now, further than I can follow, but I still hear your voice.  I hear your voice deep inside where there is stillness and peace.  And when I am there I can hear you as if you are next to me.  Your voice will never fade for me, never dim and never not mean the world to me.

In response to today’s Daily Prompt – Mountain