Be like a peacock, show yourself in all your glory, colouring the world as you do. Open yourself wide so that we can see and feel that heart.
From the Heart
Let me start this by telling you I mean you no harm. I am not trying or wanting to hurt or shame you in any way and I am trying my hardest to wish you my absolute best at the moment.
I just need to say what I feel today. I need to because my feelings are escaping me and entering into other parts of my life where they do not belong.
I have to tell you, you let me down. Yes, I can hear you now saying that you haven’t done anything of the sort, we got divorced years ago. Yes you’re right, I’m happy about that, but we had a child.
Yesterday our son told me he’d like to change his name. As you know, we kept your name but now he doesn’t want it.
I told him that if he did decide to change it, I would change mine too. I only kept it because I wanted the same name as him, but we couldn’t decide what would we call ourselves. I sort of married my father, a replica anyway, so if we went back to my maiden name it wouldn’t be that much of a statement. We talked about my mothers maiden name, it didn’t sound right, we could make one up, we just couldn’t decide.
Today he wasn’t so bothered, he had decided he liked his name, he’d got used to it and it didn’t really connect with you if you weren’t about. I don’t mind mine, there is no rush or plan to change it just yet.
I have to tell you, you were always fine as an absent father, we managed. No, we did magnificently, we got over it. That is, until you decided to hold out, I don’t know what you would call it, an invitation, the hand of friendship, god knows. But he believed it, our sensitive, trusting boy believed his dad wanted to know him at last, did you bollocks!
You talked about how important it was for you to know your son, how much he meant to you, how you wanted to make up for lost time. I was over the moon, I fell for it too. I think maybe, I hoped.
I never tried to turn him against you, I had seen friends do this with their kids but I hoped that whatever relationship we might have had, it might be different for him. I told him he was born in love, I thought he was.
He dared hold out his hand back, he asked you for help. You have him platitudes, you gave him hope but you didn’t give him anything he needed. You have his telephone number, don’t you?
It didn’t go unnoticed by either of us when you proudly shared a post about ‘your eldest’ on Facebook. Only she’s not your eldest is she, you forgot our boy.
You held out that hand and snatched it away, you bastard. There are no why’s and wherefores to this post, you won’t read it anyway. I’m not going into any detail on all the things you haven’t done either, because I’m proud of what I’ve done. I just wish you had never shown your face again, he was fine without you.
If I can make any good out of this, I can tell him that it’s a lesson, a hard one, but one that will make a difference, you see all the hard ones do. If I could tell you anything it would be, you’re a disappointment but I’m trying hard at the moment to wish you all the best.
It was with a jolt that I woke up,
although was I really I asleep.
Was it you that whispered my name,
as so safe, so soft, so deep.
I cast my eyes into emptiness,
I’m silently calling your name.
Remembering you’ve gone away,
you’re not coming back again.
You linger here, I’m hanging on,
my mind is so full up of you.
But you’re elsewhere living life,
I’ve seen all the things you do.
I wish that we had worked it out,
that I could call you my man.
Sometimes in my day dreams,
I almost believe that I can.
I’m all alone without you now,
wondering if you think of me.
Are you in another dark room,
recalling how things used to be.
Daily Prompt – Jolt
I’m climbing quite a bit, into the loft, up ladders and onto chairs. I’m dismantling my home, but each time I climb I tell myself I’m moving onto the next chapter, taking the step I’ve needed to take for so long. I am quite literally climbing into my future at the moment, though it’s not in the dusty loft or on the top shelf it’s out there waiting for me.
Big changes are ahead, I’m going to live the life I want and love. I’m going to do what I want, work in what I love and enjoy every moment of it. What’s more I’m going to be so happy that it will be catching.
The last few years have been tough, but needed. I’ve survived and found myself in the process. They say that the biggest changes in our life often come after major upheaval, crisis and everything as we know it breaking down, bloody hell do I believe that!
I feel like I’ve been tested too, I’ve been offered choices and when I’ve taken the wrong one, I’ve soon found out. An easy get out maybe, an opportunity to good to be true, countless job offers that for one reason or another have fallen through. Now I know which direction I’m heading in and I’m not going to be swayed again (please universe, no more tests, I get it!).
I’ve rented a little place along the coast, that’s where it begins but from there I will travel, I can’t not. A lot of my things will go into storage, that’s causing some confusion, there are things I want near me but I’ll get over it.
I had my birth chart done recently, it was an amazing experience. I’ve had it done before but this particular friend is an amazing astrologer. She spends so much time explaining what it all means that it slaps you around the face and becomes part of you, it comes to the surface in a way that is hard to explain, you begin to live it. We did a swap, I helped her with business ideas and social media which she couldn’t get her head around and she did my chart. I love my chart, it shows the potential I was born with and I’m not going to waste it.
I have so many more steps I need to climb but first I better getting on with packing up the past!
Daily Prompt – Climbing
I’m climbing from confusion,
I’m letting go of any dread.
Life is becoming clear to me,
I’m starting to feel instead.
I crossed over the mountains,
ones I never thought I could.
I’m onto greener pastures now,
left the darkness of the woods.
I’m climbing higher every day,
though I sometimes take a rest.
Look away from doubts I had,
I suppose they were the test.
Now I climb to reach the stars,
as I know they are very near.
And when I hold one in my hand,
I will no longer need to fear.
Daily Prompt – Climbing
I know your weak it’s clear to see,
you’d rather bury your head.
But I’d respect you so much more,
if you spoke to me instead.
I believe in those that are honest,
not in those who make up lies.
I really need to let go of this now,
cut at those well worn ties.
I wish you well as you go on your way,
as you’re no good for me now.
But I send love and hope behind you,
well I’m trying hard anyhow.
Friends come in and others move on,
not all of them last the day.
But that’s quite right it’s transient,
only those few will stay.
Friendship is more what we put out,
we get back what we give.
For those that cannot give as much,
will find a new place to live.
Friendship is also a two way street,
a sort of byway if you like.
The traffic passes up and down,
feeding in when it’s right.
Friendships best when it’s equal,
although at different times.
When we put our trust in another,
it’s like they are held in mind.
But when it’s take and no return,
it won’t ever last for long.
Friendship needs nourishment too,
to feel that it really belongs.
And so my friends I thank you now,
for staying by my side.
For the others that went on their way,
Please do enjoy the ride.
I’m surrounded by possessions,
some of these say who I am.
I’m trying to cut them down a bit,
but I’m not sure if I can.
These things all have their stories,
they tell me who I was.
They speak of other owners too,
that’s such a big because.
Some bits are just like memories,
they bring a picture back.
The chair my mother later sat in,
if that went I would crack.
The books that line the bookcase,
not all of them are mine.
But the owners of these books,
are now with the divine.
That they scanned those pages,
while they were here awhile.
As I run my hand along the page,
it always makes me smile.
The china from my childhood,
which I ate from when sick.
Remind me of that love I felt,
which got me better quick.
All these things are talking now,
reminding me of days.
Memories of the hills I’ve climbed,
and those that went away.
So possessions are just pointless,
and what’s important is inside.
But these memories are so precious,
they’re so much more than tried.
My mother shared a rule with me,
to keep beautiful things around.
The trouble is I followed her word,
it’s a treasure trove I’ve found.
Now the time has come for me to move,
I now need to pack it away.
But packing up these things that talk,
is like packing my life away!