Self Sabotage

Why is it that many of us practice self sabotage, I have, I continue to do so. It usually arises through fear, an innate fear associated with past experience, usually from childhood. I remain stuck in the familiar because I’m afraid of the unknown or I don’t believe myself to be worthy of success or not able to manage it in the long run.

There is an argument that goes on inside of me, I can, I will, I am and then I can’t, I won’t and I’m not, this argument needs resolving once and for all because it’s holding me up. I want to believe in the possibility of everything turning out okay, I’m getting better at it but I can still dilly dally and occasionally miss the boat.

I always sabotaged my birthday’s as an adult, I had such wonderful birthdays as a child, they could never match up so unconsciously I sabotaged them. I was ill, people let me down for some reason or it rained, there was always an excuse, I couldn’t just relax and enjoy the day for what it was. This changed after the death of my mother, in a strange way she wasn’t around to give me the perfect birthday of my childhood or birthdays just didn’t seem important anymore. With loss, we tend to gain perspective, I did anyway, I’m sure it’s common.

I have often not felt worthy of success, because as a child I didn’t feel worthy. Not because I wasn’t loved more than any child on earth by my wonderful mother but because my father left. He didn’t leave me, he left my mother but I have always carried a feeling of not being good enough. It’s silly, I really was loved deeply by my mother and she showed me this in every way possible but the loss of my father took some of my self belief. I’m over that now but it’s taken a good part of my life and still impacts because when I go into that self sabotage mode, I don’t always recognise the trigger.

Somewhere along the way I looked at it for what it was eventually, saw my dad for who he was and realised he didn’t judge me half as much as I thought he did, in some areas he was proud. It was my own doubts and assumptions and if it wasn’t what does it matter what others think.

I can easily repeat the pattern of self sabotage if trying to do something new. It’s because I want to please all of the people, all of the time and this simply won’t happen in a million years. I worry about what others will think and say, I fret over possible failure so much that it can prevent me from ever beginning. I have to move away from being a people pleaser and start to ask myself if I make myself happy, because bottom line, that’s what it’s about, living a life of authenticity. Living the life that makes us happy, living passionately doing what we love and not what is expected of us.

Truth is, I believe we have everything we will ever need inside, we just can’t always see it, we are capable of great things but lack the belief in ourselves and until we find that self belief we will always fail to reach our full potential.

I sometimes wonder if it is fear of success and how we might manage that holds us back. Our humanness or those self imposed restrictions we put on ourselves.

We are capable of almost anything but that is if we trust, see beyond the human experience somehow, beyond failure, beyond history. We are quite remarkable, we are capable of so much more than we know or give ourselves credit for, we just need to get outside of the mould, get away from who we think we are and start to work from a state of being. It’s the human that sabotages, who is programmed not to believe in possibilities, we need to step out of the human and into possibilities.

I’ve taken to asking myself if I’m attempting to sabotage in some way, I won’t say how I answer but it’s an interesting exercise!

lizalizaskysaregrey©2017

 

 

Friendships 

Friends come in and others move on, 

not all of them last the day.

But that’s quite right it’s transient, 

only those few will stay.

Friendship is more what we put out, 

we get back what we give.

For those that cannot give as much, 

will find a new place to live.

Friendship is also a two way street, 

a sort of byway if you like.

The traffic passes up and down, 

feeding in when it’s right.

Friendships best when it’s equal, 

although at different times.

When we put our trust in another, 

it’s like they are held in mind.

But when it’s take and no return, 

it won’t ever last for long.

Friendship needs nourishment too,

to feel that it really belongs.

And so my friends I thank you now, 

for staying by my side.

For the others that went on their way, 

Please do enjoy the ride.

lizalizaskysaregrey©2017

Blindly to Being

Sometimes it takes a while to be, 

a while to find our shape.

At first we often get life wrong, 

we have to make mistakes.

It’s quite blindly that we carry on,

but we won’t know the way.

Though with trust our sacred ally, 

we will come to be someday.

We’ll never find all the answers, 

but some become more clear.

Working on through all the clues, 

in the time that we are here.

It’s right that we arrive here blind,

so that we can uncover seeing.

Discover our beauty on our own,

while we’re coming into being.

~

Daily Prompt – Blindly

lizalizaskysaregrey©2017

Territory

I’m in unchartered waters,

with the way ahead unclear.

I’m stepping into territory,

that brings up many a fear.

I’ve confidence as a paddle,

with inspiration at the helm.

I approach the future gently,  

I don’t want to overwhelm.

~

Stepping into foreign territory,

honestly no idea what it’s like.

I do so with much excitement,

I have to admit there’s fright.

I’m wearing the hat of a hero,

carrying the book of trust.

There is no room for failure,

success is surely a must. 

~

Daily Prompt – Territory

lizalizaskysaregrey©2017

 

Without Trust

I won’t tell you what’s wrong with me,

as I don’t trust you to care.

You’ll give those standard answers,

the ones you have prepared.

I don’t think I’d tell you anything,

of emotions that run deep.

I know you would not manage well,

it may interrupt your sleep.

You see, I know that it’s all one sided,

and it doesn’t work both ways.

You only want to hear from me,

on the brightest of my days.

When I can give all my time to you,

and treat you like a king.

Hang on to your every word,

meet your every whim.

So we shall go on pretending,

that everything is grand.

It can’t be any other way,

you’ll never understand.

So I won’t tell you why I’m so sad,

I don’t think you want to know.

Our relationships so pointless now,

as it has nowhere else to go.

~

lizalizaskysaregrey©2016

Trusting 

I’m going to relinquish my control 

and put my trust in you.

I’m going to embrace in all the things 

you want me to do.

I will do so without question, 

trusting you know best.

Without regret or any fear, 

nor will I suspect a test.

I know I need to give up possessing, 

treasures that I’ve stashed.

I’m preparing for the day it comes, 

when my reality is smashed.

I do this with a saddened heart, 

but do so as I think right.

I suppose I’ll miss attachments, 

when they’re out of sight.

But this is how my soul will grow, 

without the weight I know.

I’m trusting you from this day on, 

so show me where to go.

*

lizalizaskysaregrey©2016

Enquiry

Don’t trust

just because your told it is so,

continue to doubt,  

until all your doubts go.

A belief is not true,

because others believe,

continue to ask,

until the answers achieved.

Trust only conclusions

you come to yourself,

those that feel right,

ones you have delved.

Enquiry will help you

come to the truth,

explore as a child,

go back to your youth.

Doubt

until you can’t doubt anymore,

uncover the truth,

a truth that is yours.