Traces of You

I trace my hand across the page

of that book you loved so much.

Trace my fingers through the lace,

of the scarf you used to touch.

Trace the outline of your face,

on the glass of the picture frame.

Trace my fingers through the mist,

as I’m still spelling out your name.

You left a trace, no so much more,

on that day when you left my side.

I trace a teardrop down my face,

it’s this grief that I just can’t hide.

~

Trace

lizalizaskysaregrey©2017

The Light

When we walk into that light,

do you think it’s like our sun.

And as we’re drawn towards it,

do we know our life is done.

What makes us keep on walking,

is it shadows that we see.

When is it we know who they are,

and will they recognise me.

How does that bright light get here,

to take us home again.

When we walk into the light,

do we leave behind any pain.

I hear there’s some that come back,

but they can change a lot.

They’ve seen it on the other side,

I think they get the plot. 

When we walk into the light,

do we know where we’re are.

I wonder what the light is like,

do you think it takes us far.

~

lizalizaskysaregrey©2017

 

A Rainbows End

I hope you found your rainbows end,

that it was really just how you thought,

with butterflies and beautiful scenes

and a tranquil place for you to walk.

I hope you liked all the colours there,

they’re brighter now you’ve arrived,

I’d love to see those colours with you,

although to see them you had to die.

I hope you found your rainbows end,

that there is music played as well,

I hear it when I think of you now,

is it my imagination, I never can tell.

I hope that you are dancing around,

as a bright fire fly does in the night.

I imagine you with every rainbow I see,

on enquiring I know I’m right.

I hope you found your rainbows end,

that you think of me sometimes,

I know it’s nigh on impossible,

but do you think you could drop me a line.

Send it on a butterfly or a tiny little bird,

send it any way you like.

Send when I’m dreaming in bed,

I’ll listen for your message tonight

I hope you found your rainbows end,

when I see them I know you survive,

Over the Rainbow was a favourite song,

as we sang it when you were alive.

I know that you are close to me now,

I know that you never went away.

I’ll meet you on the other side,

we’ll be way over that rainbow someday.

~

Survive

 

Fearing the Inevitable

Nothing is ever really as bad as we think it might be, fear distorts reality and we often build things up into something much bigger than it actually is. The truth is, fear isn’t helpful, it won’t prevent something from happening and sometimes it even brings things to a fore sooner because we aren’t functioning well enough to cope with the inevitable.

The things that make us fearful are often things we can’t change, we see them coming and they terrify us, but they won’t stop because we know about them. Sometimes the best we can do is be still and accept what is happening until the reason becomes clear, because all changes are meant to be.

We will often cling onto what we know, what we feel comfortable with, even though it isn’t actually doing us any good. Fear prevents us from letting go and moving on because we are afraid of what we don’t know. When I think back on times I have been fearful in life, quite often it’s because I’ve been stuck in a rut, I haven’t been particularly happy but haven’t done anything about it.

Most of the things I have been fearful about in my life have been my greatest lessons, I have lines on my face I didn’t need because I spent too much time worrying about the inevitable. Everything that has happened to me has brought me to where I am now and I don’t regret a single thing.

We are all fearful in certain ways, because we all love and loving has a fearful aspect to it. I love my son more than anything in the world, I want to keep him safe and I can become fearful about his wellbeing, however if I let this become out of hand I risk causing him harm. I can’t tie him down and lock him up because he has to live and living brings experience. Good and bad things will happen to him throughout his life as they have me and he needs the bad every bit as much as he needs the good because it’s the balance that creates the person he will grow into.

I can’t talk about fear without talking about death, my own death or the death of someone I love. I’m not afraid of dying but I would rather it be in my sleep, I don’t want to die painfully but I don’t suppose I have a choice. Being fearful of loss is natural but death is inevitable, we are all dying, we all die.

To fear loss is to fear being lost, what will we do without someone, where will the love go, how will we fill that hole, what will we do with the loneliness. If I’m not afraid of my own death, I shouldn’t really be afraid of the death of someone I love, it’s what happens to me afterwards I need to work on, but that said, if I meant to survive I will and I believe we certainly learn from the experience of loss.

The death of my mother was the biggest catalyst in my life, the most painful experience, but from that I grew. As much as I wanted my mum to stay with me, she couldn’t, she needed to move on and I needed to find myself without her physical presence. And much as I feared it her death changed me in ways I never thought possible, her death was inevitable and so was my growth.

~ Liza

lizalizaskysaregrey©2017

Could I have done better?

It’s human nature to ask ourselves if we could have done better. We constantly doubt ourselves, question our own integrity, kindness and sometimes love. This is even more prevalent when we loose someone or something, grief has a way of making us doubt ourselves, punish ourselves for not being perfect all the time. We forget that we are only human, we are not in any way perfect.

My friend lost his cat last night, it had been ill a few days and last night went out into the garden to die. My friend was devastated and said he should have taken him to the vet earlier, taken more notice and booked an emergency appointment, in a way blaming himself for Sammy’s death. I’ve done this, I dropped a large dish from the cupboard, which crashed and made the bang that finally burst the tumour on my cats heart. I berated myself for not being more carful, for causing the bang which ended her life. Truth was, she had been ill for some time, I had always lavished her with love and attention. She had a cancerous tumour on her heart and she would never have lasted forever. It seems natural that we question and often blame ourselves in times of distress.

After the loss of someone we love we ask ourselves why we didn’t do more, why we couldn’t have been better, we think back on times where we put our own needs first and it’s incredibly painful. Truth is, as I said before, we are human, we make mistakes but with that we do an incredible amount of good. If we do the best we can given the circumstances, we are doing our best.

Sometimes we don’t realise how close to the end of someones life we are, we tire if we are constantly caring for them, we might get irritable or short tempered. It’s only after they have passed that we realise how little time we had and regret those moments of weakness. We tend to push back the good we did and feel terrible for the moments we were not so on the ball.

We can’t be perfect all the time, we have good and bad moments, times where we are not so wonderful as we would like to be. We get tired, we don’t hear or see what’s happening and sometimes our own needs get in the way.

I can rest knowing that I did the best I could for those I’ve lost, I recognise where I might have done better but at the time I didn’t realise how little time I had. I needed to sleep, eat and look after myself too. I know one hundred percent that they felt loved, I know they felt cared for and held in mind, even at times I wasn’t there. I also know they recognised the pain I was suffering because of there impending death. I know they know I did my best, so I’m not going to beat myself up by continually questioning if I could have done better.

To show love, care and kindness every day, is truly the best we can do. We don’t know what will happen tomorrow and can’t live a life of just in case.

~

Better

Today

I had a dream last night that I was given a message that I would die today, it was written in the peal of an orange, but that’s beside the point. 

It was a strange dream, I went from one scene to the next and it was all mixed up as dreams are. I was myself and I was someone else, I looked out of my eyes and watched myself at the same time. I received a parcel full of gifts, letters from people I know and don’t, thanking me for helping them, some of the things I wasn’t aware of doing. There were presents too, a camera, lots of things wrapped up, gifts I didn’t get time to open before waking and an orange telling me today is the day you die. 

My sister was with me in the dream, she walked beside me. She’s staying with me at the moment, she arrived late last night. Now I think this is just the weirdest dream but laying in bed this morning, it made me think, what if it was my last day and how would I spend it.

I sort of wanted to get out of bed and be the nicest version of myself I could be, give my sister a lovely day. I thought in my blurry still half asleep state, it’s a good job I know, I can make sure all my choices are right, I won’t waste time on anything.

Funny how we waste so much time, we waste others time too in not living life to the full. In not saying how we feel, or doing what we say.

I’m not too sensible, I sleep with the phone beside my bed frying my brain, but I picked it up to look at the time and it opened on a ‘new post’ page. I thought I would share my dream, share an opportunity.

Now I hope none of us are going to die today, but wouldn’t it be great if we all made it the day we might, say the things we mean and do those things we say. A day of in case, because for a number of people in the world it will be. 

Take time today to tell people how we feel, say thank you and make that call we always mean to make. Look around as if we are leaving, does the housework really need to be done today.

Imagine leaving the world and thinking why did I waste time, when I had so little of it left. I don’t want to waste time today, not that I think I will die, I know it was just a weird dream, but because any day I might and one day I will!

~

lizalizaskysaregrey©2017

Come Sit..

 

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Come  here to sit with me for a while, 

under this this kindly tree.

Let us talk some of times gone by,

and see what we might see.

Let us travel beyond those years,

to when we were together.

Cuddled up here in this same place,

sheltering from the weather.

Can you remember what we agreed,

while we sat here that day.

To remember me with happiness,

especially when I’m away.

The tree can certainly bare witness,

look at him bow his head.

He can see me sit beside you here,

he understands I’m not dead.

It’s only another dimension I’m in,

I can still sit here with you.

I want you to remember what we said,

and to remember it as true.

I’ll always be close beside you my dear,

wherever it is you might be.

But instantly I’ll connect with you here,

if ever you sit under this tree.

~

lizalizaskysaregrey©2017