From the Heart
I trace my hand across the page
of that book you loved so much.
Trace my fingers through the lace,
of the scarf you used to touch.
Trace the outline of your face,
on the glass of the picture frame.
Trace my fingers through the mist,
as I’m still spelling out your name.
You left a trace, no so much more,
on that day when you left my side.
I trace a teardrop down my face,
it’s this grief that I just can’t hide.
~
lizalizaskysaregrey©2017
I hope you found your rainbows end,
that it was really just how you thought,
with butterflies and beautiful scenes
and a tranquil place for you to walk.
I hope you liked all the colours there,
they’re brighter now you’ve arrived,
I’d love to see those colours with you,
although to see them you had to die.
I hope you found your rainbows end,
that there is music played as well,
I hear it when I think of you now,
is it my imagination, I never can tell.
I hope that you are dancing around,
as a bright fire fly does in the night.
I imagine you with every rainbow I see,
on enquiring I know I’m right.
I hope you found your rainbows end,
that you think of me sometimes,
I know it’s nigh on impossible,
but do you think you could drop me a line.
Send it on a butterfly or a tiny little bird,
send it any way you like.
Send when I’m dreaming in bed,
I’ll listen for your message tonight
I hope you found your rainbows end,
when I see them I know you survive,
Over the Rainbow was a favourite song,
as we sang it when you were alive.
I know that you are close to me now,
I know that you never went away.
I’ll meet you on the other side,
we’ll be way over that rainbow someday.
~
It’s human nature to ask ourselves if we could have done better. We constantly doubt ourselves, question our own integrity, kindness and sometimes love. This is even more prevalent when we loose someone or something, grief has a way of making us doubt ourselves, punish ourselves for not being perfect all the time. We forget that we are only human, we are not in any way perfect.
My friend lost his cat last night, it had been ill a few days and last night went out into the garden to die. My friend was devastated and said he should have taken him to the vet earlier, taken more notice and booked an emergency appointment, in a way blaming himself for Sammy’s death. I’ve done this, I dropped a large dish from the cupboard, which crashed and made the bang that finally burst the tumour on my cats heart. I berated myself for not being more carful, for causing the bang which ended her life. Truth was, she had been ill for some time, I had always lavished her with love and attention. She had a cancerous tumour on her heart and she would never have lasted forever. It seems natural that we question and often blame ourselves in times of distress.
After the loss of someone we love we ask ourselves why we didn’t do more, why we couldn’t have been better, we think back on times where we put our own needs first and it’s incredibly painful. Truth is, as I said before, we are human, we make mistakes but with that we do an incredible amount of good. If we do the best we can given the circumstances, we are doing our best.
Sometimes we don’t realise how close to the end of someones life we are, we tire if we are constantly caring for them, we might get irritable or short tempered. It’s only after they have passed that we realise how little time we had and regret those moments of weakness. We tend to push back the good we did and feel terrible for the moments we were not so on the ball.
We can’t be perfect all the time, we have good and bad moments, times where we are not so wonderful as we would like to be. We get tired, we don’t hear or see what’s happening and sometimes our own needs get in the way.
I can rest knowing that I did the best I could for those I’ve lost, I recognise where I might have done better but at the time I didn’t realise how little time I had. I needed to sleep, eat and look after myself too. I know one hundred percent that they felt loved, I know they felt cared for and held in mind, even at times I wasn’t there. I also know they recognised the pain I was suffering because of there impending death. I know they know I did my best, so I’m not going to beat myself up by continually questioning if I could have done better.
To show love, care and kindness every day, is truly the best we can do. We don’t know what will happen tomorrow and can’t live a life of just in case.
~
I’m screaming at the walls,
but I still sit here alone.
Tell me when you’re coming,
I need you back at home.
Surprise me if you want to,
I’ll manage it if you like.
I’m expecting you to visit me,
and I’m hoping for tonight.
You left without arrangements,
just passed without a word.
I’m watching closely for you,
and it’s probably absurd.
But I’m lonely here without you,
everything is just so black.
Could you please just drop by,
just talk and I’ll talk back.
I’m hoping that you’ll hear me,
maybe show me that you do.
If you want to see some others,
I’ll be sure they are here too.
The walls are now just speechless,
they’ve enough of being white.
Tell me that you’re coming please,
you’ll visit with me tonight.
~
lizalizaskysaregrey©2017
Come here to sit with me for a while,
under this this kindly tree.
Let us talk some of times gone by,
and see what we might see.
Let us travel beyond those years,
to when we were together.
Cuddled up here in this same place,
sheltering from the weather.
Can you remember what we agreed,
while we sat here that day.
To remember me with happiness,
especially when I’m away.
The tree can certainly bare witness,
look at him bow his head.
He can see me sit beside you here,
he understands I’m not dead.
It’s only another dimension I’m in,
I can still sit here with you.
I want you to remember what we said,
and to remember it as true.
I’ll always be close beside you my dear,
wherever it is you might be.
But instantly I’ll connect with you here,
if ever you sit under this tree.
~
lizalizaskysaregrey©2017
When I am gone from here
and you remember me.
I’m hoping that it will be
in things you cannot see.
I’d like to leave you riches,
I’m doubting that I will.
Except richness of memories,
those I hope to fulfil.
~
When I leave this place,
I’m leaving you my love.
That which will continue,
from the heavens above.
My love will last forever,
finer than anything more.
My love for you is precious,
I have so much in store.
~
When I’ve been gone a while,
move on with your life.
I’ll be walking with you,
in happiness and strife.
I’ll ask you not to mourn,
because I’ll still be there.
When you want me call me,
call me from anywhere.
~
When my face is fading,
as you try to bring it near.
Know that it won’t matter,
of that I’m very clear.
My face is just the physical,
I’ll then be flying high.
See me in the daily things,
I’ll always be near by.
~
lizalizaskysaregrey©2017
I’m standing on the crossing,
staring out into the night.
Silence wrapped around me,
with not a soul in sight.
I’m waiting for the passage,
the ride to some place else.
I’m not taking any luggage,
and I’m going by myself.
But then I hear you’re calling,
wailing out my name.
I know for you my darling,
life won’t be the same.
I want to run and hold you,
to do what mothers will.
I can’t leave now I’m here,
everything stands still.
I said I would be leaving,
knew the time would come.
Please remember all our years,
the times so full of fun.
I’m so proud I am your mother,
that we had this time.
I wouldn’t say it often,
but I’d use the word sublime.
Now I’m crossing over,
you won’t come for years.
I know my passing will be painful,
With many, many tears.
But please just wait a moment,
while I say goodbye.
I know I ask an awful lot of you,
but please my darling try.
As while I stand here waiting,
for the train to come.
I’m holding on to moments,
that I am still your mum.
Daily Prompt – Crossing
lizalizaskysaregrey©2017
Christmas is never the same after you loose someone you love. You go through the motions, you know you have to for those here you still have, but it won’t ever be the same. There are moments you stop, maybe unpacking the decorations, you find yourself sitting staring into space. You are remembering Christmas when you were together, when everything was how it was meant to be. Maybe it’s that old Christmas film or carol being played again, something that sparks memories.
You can still enjoy yourself, still celebrate with the people you have around you, but there is always a space in your heart. There is a space at every table and every party, a void that cannot be filled. But you smile, because you know that’s what they would have wanted, you raise a glass and say their name in a toast. Christmas comes and goes and they are still not here, it is a painful reminder of another Christmas without them.
You find yourself buying things they liked, stand transfixed in the shopping isle when you spot something. You look at other families and want to tell them to make the most of the Christmas they have because you never know how many you have in front of you. You watch the children, the excitement and know that this time is for them. You push you sadness down into the pit of your stomach only to resurface when you are alone with your thoughts, you feel a responsibility towards happiness, you can’t let the side down.
You put up that last card they sent you again, light a candle by their photo and send a prayer. My friend leaves a brandy by the fire, I bring an extra seat to the table, we all have our own rituals that help us through the season.
Every day without someone you love is difficult, some harder than others and we learn to manage. We never forget them but we cope, life goes on and we know we have to live in the real world, but Christmas, when we are constantly reminded of the joy and love of family can be the most difficult time of the year.
To anyone missing a loved one this Christmas, I’m sending you love, you see I understand. I’m wishing you the best Christmas you can possibly muster and hope like every other day of the year, our Christmases, get easier.
Those silhouettes in the frame are faded now,
nearly out of sight.
Only a mixture of greys today,
where once they were black and white.
The necklace you wore on your wedding day,
just a pile of pearls.
I remember it hung round your tiny neck,
catching in your curls.
I see your handwriting on paper,
but can’t hear a voice anymore.
Listening to your favourite opera,
while focussed on keeping score.
Your fading out of my life dear,
while I’m trying to hold on tight.
Please visit with a small reminder,
come into my dreams tonight.
*
Daily Prompt – Faded
lizalizaskysaregrey©2016
I hear the echoes of you voice
in nearly everything I do
and when I’m undecided,
I’ll refer the choice to you.
There is reflection of your beauty
in everything I see.
I feel your touch another way,
soft and caressing me.
I remember the lessons taught to me,
I’m still learning as I go,
but found them really helpful,
which really goes to show.
You knew I’d need you when you left,
so left memories for me.
Your energy still lingers here,
lights up everything I see.
And then you know I feel your love,
when I’m sitting still.
Suppose you send it through me,
you have the strongest will.
I will never forget you
because you never really left.
We continue now another way,
I think we’ve passed the test.
Of knowing love continues,
transforms but never dies.
Love is all around us now,
we just can’t see it with our eyes.
*
lizalizaskysaregrey©2016
lizalizaskysaregrey 