Test of the Tower

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I pulled the tower in 2013, not for the first time in my life but anyone who understands the tower in the tarot deck, will know it is significant.  I’m not frightened of the tower because it signifies necessary change, it’s just not always easy.  In fact I have pulled the tower at some major points in my life.   I pulled it when my husband and I lost our business, home and marriage.  I pulled it just before I quit a very well paid secure job at the beginning of 2013 and I pulled it before my mother died eighteen months later.

The tower is a test card, it usually indicates the breaking down of establishment, established ways of living, signifies necessary change and rocks the status quo.  I’m not one for thinking too much about it, what will be will be.  My friend on the other hand is terrified of the card, she makes me laugh because as much as these cards do tend to come up at the right time, they are really only for entertainment.  It could be that our unconscious self, that, that knows where we are going knows exactly where each card is in a pack.  I am quite psychic, do read the cards etc but don’t let it rule my life, as we are very much in charge of our own destiny.  Small changes we make one day might take us up a totally different path the next, although I do think the lessons along the way are the same, as is the destination.

Well the point of this post is to look at the changes that have come about for me over the last few years.  I started this blog as my mother was dying, it helped me process her impending death, she died in 2014 and I left it alone.  A few months back I came back to my blog and it is like I am a different person.  I talk out loud through my writing and I am now nearer to making sense of who I am.  It has been a difficult three years, extremely difficult.  The day my mother died, my stepfather had a heart attack and cancer was discovered.  I brought him home to live with me and he died at Christmas, two months after my mum.  I got through it with the help of my family and friends and now, two years later feel I have finally reached the other side.

I am happy, although I would do anything to have my mum back with me I have also had to stand on my own two feet.  She was my rock, she listened to me, supported me and worried about me.  There is something about the death of a parent that makes you grow up.  You have to think for yourself and make your own decisions.  It’s not that you didn’t anyway, but you did so in the knowledge that your parents were supporting you and loving you all the way.  I’m single so don’t have a partner for support but this time has been so good for me, I have discovered myself.  I’m comfortable with who I am and don’t rely on anyone for confirmation I’m going the right way.

Where am I going now, I work as a consultant in care, although it doesn’t really fulfil me anymore.  I’m between contracts and not really looking for anything along those lines, I think I’ve done my time.  I’m looking for a new direction, that’s why I have so much time to write and read your blogs.  I know I want to work in a way that will help others, I have natural empathy and can help people work things out somehow, maybe it’s because I listen and I’m good at untangling knots.  I’m a great believer in what is meant to be will not pass you by, so I’m waiting patiently.

I got a new tower today, I found it in my stats which made me think of the significance of the tower in my life.  Just maybe I will win the euro millions tonight and spend the rest of my days happy and blogging 🙂

Kismet

Walking through town today I was stopped by a man in the street.  I hate to admit it but I immediately apologised for not having any spare change, I didn’t, I was being honest.  This is awful I know, but it is indicative of living in a seaside town.  There are lots of people down on their luck and it is common to be asked for spare change.  I do give, I’m not heartless but I do choose whom I should to give to, I just don’t have that much to go around.  I often give to the same people, I don’t know if this is right or not.  There is the happy guy who stands outside Waitrose, I know he probably isn’t happy but he greets you like an old friend.  There are others who touch me and if I have change in my pocket, I do try and help out.

Getting back to today, when the guy stopped me, he said it wasn’t money he wanted.  Maybe because I had said I didn’t have any, who knows.  But he said he stopped me to tell me I was going to die on March 30th.  He said he was sorry, it had just come to him and he had to tell me.  ‘Well thanks for that’ I said and walked on up the road.  How strange, did he say that to all people without change or just me.  Now I don’t think for a moment he had a vision but it has got me wondering.

It gives me 18 days and March 30th is Mothering Sunday.  Great day for my son and my mother then, I better think very carefully about the words I put in my mum’s card.  Perhaps I should suggest celebrating the day before.

Now I know this sounds quite ridiculous but I’m starting to think of all the ways I could die and what I can do about it.  If I cut out driving on that day, that rules out a road traffic accident and that is one of the main contenders.   I won’t leave the house and that cancels out a few more.  My son wouldn’t poison me, well not intentionally and certainly not on Mothers Day, I wouldn’t think.  I don’t think the house is over any flight paths, unless they go off track.

I have always been a hypochondriac but even I can’t think of an illness that would kill me in 18 days.  The boiler needs checking, I will phone the gas board and get them round in the week.  Bananas, I won’t buy any to be sure there are no Brazilian spiders lurking.  I might mention the spiders to my neighbours too, just to be on the safe side.

Why didn’t I walk up another street yesterday, or get on a bus.  The man would not then have seen me and I wouldn’t be thinking of how to save myself.  He would have said the same to someone else who was too tight to give him any money.

I need to plan, like what I am going to do on March 31st.  After all I would have been cooped up the previous day and will want to get out.  I know, I will start planning my birthday party, not that I usually have one.  But this year I will be alive.