November 2016 – Page 9 – lizalizaskysaregrey

Second Thoughts – DP

November 8, 2016 lizaaitken

It’s always the last moment,

that I have my second thoughts.

The minutes have reduced,

from two, to one, to nought.

Then I worry I’m too late,

to ever change my mind.

For I deliberate too long,

it’s just that I’m that kind.

If you ask me if I’m certain,

I never really know.

You’ll see me going back and forth,

do I want to go.

So make my mind up for me please,

tell me what to do.

So when it’s time to cast the blame,

it won’t be me but you.

Daily Prompt – Second Thoughts

Return of my Invisible Friend

November 8, 2016November 8, 2016 lizaaitken

Like a lot of children I had a friend that only I could see. Although no one else could see her, it didn’t make her any less real and somehow validated our special friendship. Her name was Reen, well that was how I pronounced it back then, and we played for hour upon hour in the wonderland inside our home. Reen stayed close to me, she waited in my room while I slept, rocking gently on the rocker beside my bed and joined me at the table for meals, we spent hours at the bottom of the garden in our camp under the old coalbunker and I shared everything with her. It was Reen that helped me wrap the hedgehog up warm and put him in the dressing up chest for the winter and Reen that taught me not to eat the slugs we found on the path. When I was having my hair washed Reen would stand by the door watching and smiling as I screamed and wriggled away to the other end of the bath, I don’t recall her bathing but she was always shiny and bright. When my daddy didn’t come home any more, she stayed close to me at night as I listened as mum cried in the distance. Whatever the weather was doing and however many layers I was wearing, Reen always wore the same dress, with little white flowers on a pale green background with a white collar and cardigan.

I can’t remember when she stopped coming or I stopped noticing, maybe about the same time my little sister could join me in play and moved into my room. I feel bad now I think of it someone so important, just forgotten. That’s it with imaginary friends they just leave your imagination one day and that’s it your on your own. I remember mum telling me how one day we were running for the bus and she noticed my hand held out behind me, like I was dragging something along. ‘Wait for Reen’ I fussed as we mounted the bus, a petrified look on my face, because I might leave my friend. Mum told it as if she believed I really did have a friend, even with all the excitement of running for the bus and a fun day ahead, I had not forgotten Reen. I didn’t remember this and although I had a slight dream like memory of a girl with a pretty dress and curly blond hair, Reen was cast to the back of my mind. Mum often said she wished she had asked me more about my friend back then, but a busy mum bringing up two girls she let it go as I did myself years later with my own child.

I’m in my fifties now, I’m on the downward path now although still hopeful, and today I walked into the lounge to find Reen sitting on the sofa. I saw her as I walked through the door just sitting waiting, like your family might, familiar, comfortable in the surroundings and all grown up. I suppose that would make sense as she would have been growing with me, but she didn’t have the worry lines I see on my face each time I look in the mirror or any of the ravages of time this stressful world brings, she was truly beautiful. I recognised her immediately, there wasn’t a moment when I didn’t know who she was. The dress was gone but replaced by a blouse of the same pattern and her face was soft and creamy as I remembered, with big eyes and the gentle smile that was so deep and warm and hair the colour of summer. The shopping bags I was carrying hung heavy on the end of my arms as I stood and watched, holding my breath, not blinking in case she disappeared again. She smiled some more and I felt safe, I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time, with a bubble growing in my throat, I couldn’t speak. There I was like an idiot, standing in my coat, hair dripping into my eyes, the light still not switched on, with those sodden bags hanging from my arms.

Oh dear god, what a loser I must be to have my childhood friend return at my age. It wasn’t that I was not happy to see her it’s just that it made me realise what a total bulls up I must have made of things since she had left, had she returned to repair me, put right all the wrongs and untangle all the lies. She must know, yes, I looked into those eyes and knew instantly she had been with me all the time, I just hadn’t seen her until now. You know when something is so real, there is not time for excuses, embarrassment, ego polishing or the like, well that was the moment I was caught in. I bent to put my bags down on the floor, still dripping from the rain on to the waxed floorboards, knowing, as I did there would be a watermark later. I walked slowly, yet within one held breath to the sofa and sat beside her. I sat on her left, she was on my right and the feather sofa gave beneath me, this was not a dream. I might have breathed but I’m not sure as in my mind a breath might have blown her away. We sat there, comfortable like we had never been apart and a small bit of me realised we hadn’t parted, I had just stopped seeing her.

I want to be able to tell you how we spoke, how we caught up with the time and how I apologized for forgetting her but I can’t. Because we haven’t spoken yet, she is still sitting there watching as I write this down with my cat Eris, snuggled up comfortably and purring softly beside her.

Seeds of Life

November 8, 2016November 8, 2016 lizaaitken

When you look into the mirror do you see your family staring back, do you utter the words they once said, have the same tastes, interests and suffer similar ailments? It is only nature reflected back at us in that mirror to our connection with past generations. Take the seeds that go to make the face of the sunflower that when planted grow into beautiful strong sunflowers. We are as nature intended and grow from the seeds of past generations.

~ Liza

Pause

November 8, 2016November 8, 2016 lizaaitken

Just as there is a base to a mountain, a shore to a lake and an edge to a desert. Everything in this life has a beginning, middle and end. It is up to us to recognise these stages and make preparations. A swimmer walks into the lake from the shore in full knowledge that it will get deeper, the mountaineer gathers the equipment he will need to ascend the mountain and the man crossing the desert ensures he has plenty of water for the journey. However steep or rough the journey ahead of you may be, take opportunity to pause in the transition zone and make sure you are prepared for the journey ahead in body, mind and spirit.

~ Liza

Nature Lessons 74

November 7, 2016 lizaaitken

However firmly we feel our roots are planted, however much we believe we are in the right place and doing the right thing the universe might have different plans for us. There maybe a future waiting for us somewhere outside of our understanding or imagination. Do not attach yourself blindly through fear of the unknown, allow the universe to guide you gently to your destination.

~ Liza

My Writing Journey

November 7, 2016 lizaaitken

Today I got notification that I had published 500 posts on WordPress! That’s amazing, I would imagine most of them are in the last few months or this year because before this I wasn’t at all serious about blogging. I started my blogging journey by writing a letter to my mother who was at the time seriously ill with an incurable lung disease. I was struggling to come to terms with the fact that she wouldn’t be around for too long. After mum passed away I lost any ability to do much at all, I was frozen but gradually I started to write again. Writing helps me work myself out, I answer my own questions, change my mind and answer them again. I like to write poems, some silly ones that make me laugh and some deeper. I love spiritual philosophy and use my blog to share my own philosophy.

Today I would like to republish my first ever post in celebration of the journey and celebration of my mother who continues to be my inspiration.

My Mothers Love

Mum, I have always written in your cards that I love you with all my heart, and I do, I love you deeply with my whole being. I want to try and explain my love for you but it’s not an easy task talking about an emotion that is invisible yet at the same time tremendously powerful. I have not experienced life without your love so its hard to fathom what that might feel like, maybe a big empty hole, falling forever with no attachment to bind me. Thinking back, I remember you used to say to us as children ‘I love you with all my heart and I did right from the start’. I imagined, as a small child when you said it, you meant the start of time, because that’s how big, warm and safe it felt. When I tell you I love you it does not seem enough, those are words used by everyday people and you are not an everyday person, you are so much more. I could write about my love and appreciation for you until there were no trees left on the earth and a mountain of paper, covering the horizon and blocking out the sun and moon, but I’m not sure I could capture the words, I’m not sure there really are words in this world.

Your very poorly now and carry so much pain and yet you are so incredibly brave, you don’t dwell on that bastard illness, you fight it with that huge spirit of yours. When you first got ill the doctors said at that stage you had no time left, but you were never having that, and went about visualising my sister Laura and I inside your lungs with cloth caps and brooms, sweeping out all the bad, singing as we worked and by some miracle we did it, you improved. We know that it wasn’t really a miracle, it involved the power of thought, coupled with determination, and we know really it worked because of the magic of the love we share. You are so brave, you sing to yourself now to help you to breathe easier and make the pain go away, you tell yourself, believe and sing about how happy and lucky you are. In my minds eye, I can see you stooped and in awful pain struggling as you walk towards Green Lane singing your little song ‘I’m so happy’, it makes me want to cry, you crazy, wonderful, beautiful woman! You see yourself dancing at Claude’s wedding, it’s a long way off but your sheer determination might get you there.

From the day I was born I know without a shadow of a doubt, that you have loved me every moment. I know that you think of me shortly after waking, throughout the day and last thing at night. Your love keeps me safe, I know that you think I am special and I can never really be lonely or lost in any way with your love around me. I can’t describe to you how wonderful it has been to be in receipt of your love, it’s like I won the lottery of life having you as my mum. You have always put me and Laura first, there is not anything you would not give up for your girls and grandchildren, you would go to the ends of the earth and back for each of us. We know you would genuinely die for us, that you feel our pain every bit as much as we do and would willingly carry it for us. It is lucky for all of us that you also share our joy, and our achievements are your best achievements.

Small things give you pleasure, being with your family, being together, sharing a meal and celebrating. I get that now and it is what is important to me too, I wish I had understood that sooner. You have a silly way of looking at us, full of love and pride, it used to embarrass me, now I embrace it. I am turning into you in a little way, I hear you speaking when I speak to my son sometimes but your shoes are too big for me, I could never fit into them. If only I could be as selfless and giving as you, more spiritual and less materialistic. I am trying, as to be a fraction as good a person as you would be amazing.

You are the most giving person and you are gentle and kind, passionate and full of empathy for others. You’re interested in people, not in a nosey way but with concern, you share the troubles and joys of others, you grieve and celebrate and above all try to understand. Your love is as big as the world and as warm as the sun and everybody who has ever known you would agree, we know there is a lot of love for Jean!

I speak to you every day, about six times occasionally but always more than once. We are sometimes deep and meaningful and make sense of the world, put it to rights but often we talk complete mindless rubbish. I know how much it means to you and that talking to your girls keeps you going especially now that awful illness is taking over more and more we are your lifeline and what keeps you going. Mum, I have been meaning to say, you must change that voice mail message, I will help.

I’m frightened sometimes mum, I’m frightened of losing you, of not hearing your voice anymore of not making you laugh. You might have years left, your spirit is still young, but I don’t want to leave it at that without telling you how special you are and how much you have given me. I know that one day you will leave me for a while but you will always be there too, it’s what we believe and we will still talk, I’m absolutely sure of it. You will just be in the next room, the door to that room will not be immediately accessible to me and take me some time to find, but I will find it and you will be waiting there for me.

Your love grows and spreads everywhere, you gave me and taught me empathy and I only work with troubled children now because of the understanding I got from you. You showed me how to reach out to others, really listen and be interested enough to do something to help. How to love, care, communicate and understand the needs of others, understanding the troubles and be there. I’m sure your love is catching and I hope everybody comes down with it. I am blessed to have you as my mum, the children I have worked with have benefitted in a small way because you are my mum.

Your beauty has no comparison in this world, the first sunrise, the deepest colour, the saddest song, and the brightest flower all diminish in your shadow. I was right, there are not words to tell you how I feel, it’s big and warm and makes me cry and laugh at the same time. I won the lottery that’s for sure, I probably jumped a few lifetimes with what you have managed to teach me and the world is a better place for having you in it.

I know that for as long as I live and long after I will be loved by you, and that love comes back at you mum, a million times.

Thank you mum

What was your first blog post?

Irksome – DP

November 7, 2016 lizaaitken

I’m getting somewhat irritated,

you just go on and on,

I want to say it right out loud,

your stories are to long.

I’m finding it exasperating,

when I’m listening to you.

Your boring and uninteresting,

oh, what is a girl to do.

If you could be less awkward,

it wouldn’t be as grating.

Then again not too much,

it might look as if we’re dating.

Daily Prompt – Irksome

The Irksome Gale

November 7, 2016 lizaaitken

The wind is blowing through the trees,

leaving branches bare.

The winters back in force today,

it doesn’t seem to care.

The wind strips beauty from the land,

throwing it up high.

Blustery gales are hitting home,

speeding through the sky.

The birds take shelter in the eaves,

nesting there for now.

Squirrels collect their bounty,

they must store somehow.

The rain comes in and washes off

the foliage on the land.

The irksome partner of the wind,

it lends the gale a hand.

The clouds look down upon the earth,

thunder rumbles through.

The sun is meek this time of year,

not sure of what to do.

But when the storm is over,

be sure spring will come again.

Give the winter space for now,

be sure it won’t remain.

Include the Daily Prompt word – Irksome