Another Phase

lizaaitken

Daily Post word prompt: Phase

<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/phase/”>Phase</a&gt;

An email dropped into my inbox telling me that my blog was too heavy and depressing for one so young and so full of vitality. Oh dear, just when I was thinking about writing some more about death. Do I unplug the laptop or continue, I’m at a loss.  The trouble is death is on my mind a lot these days. Not my death, I have no plan for my own demise yet, although that does creep into my dreams sometimes, but the death of others. I get caught up in the death of those I have loved, I suppose I’m still in the processing stage, it’s a phase I’m going through.

The email came from a well meaning aunt, she feels a responsibility to her nieces and wants us to be happy, I will tell her not to worry, it’s only another phase.  I have been through numerous phases in my life, starting I suppose with the ‘why?’ phase as a toddler. I have forgotten more phases than I can remember and that’s a good thing, but there have been few over the years.

There was of course the crazy Bay City Rollers Phase. I loved Derek on the drums dearly, he didn’t say or sing anything much, but I couldn’t choose Les as he was already taken a few times over by all the other girls on the estate. Derek was the least popular so I had a better chance, well that was my reckoning at the time. I wore his scarf tied around my wrist for the whole summer. It wasn’t his actual scarf but his tartan and I wore it constantly even sleeping in it and wearing it on the beach as a stylish swimsuit accessory.  When the phase was over and David Essex came into my life the posters were ripped off of the wall without a seconds thought and the scarf was dumped.

A number of other phases came and went, some like crushes, lasting fleeting moments and some lasting a little longer. The black phase was funny, dressed with my friend head to toe in black, the ‘Black widows’ we called ourselves and my god did we look weird. I think it lasted less than a week, probably until all the black stuff was in the laundry basket and we had to give up, put on our jeans and get back on our bikes.

I had a number of different man phases as is wholly natural when trying to find a soul mate. The gangster phase I’m not going to say much about apart from the excruciating embarrassment of my college tutor calling me a ‘gangers moll’.  Then of course the inevitable marriage phase which never really worked and went on for a while longer than it should have.

I think now I have finally reached a new phase. I’m now focussing on me, getting to know my true self as we tend to do as middle age creeps in. I think it must be connected to ageing and the arrival of the death instinct.  Anyway this involves me attempting to gain an understanding myself without the attachments I have always needed to feel real. Maybe my death obsession is also connected to the letting go of attachments.  Who knows, it’s probably just another phase I’m going through.

Phase of You

lizaaitken

Daily Prompt Word – Phase

<a href=”https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/phase/”>Phase</a&gt;

A simple phase your going through,
in love with me, it can’t really be true.

A blissful moment of time stood still,
here with me now of your own free will.

I must be dreaming, I must be asleep,
to believe that you are here for keeps.

Break me in pieces, I surely won’t mend,
our love affair can never ever end,

Don’t tell me if you leave, just go away,
I just want to remember you here today.

Soul of the Ocean.

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There are many boats on the ocean. Some of these are small boats, big enough for one fisherman and then there are the larger vessels, such as ocean liners carrying hundreds of passengers.  All are at the control of the tides and the stars and the crossing is not guaranteed.

Some of these boats will last an age, they are the friends of the ocean, built well to work with the water and blow with the wind. The Ocean is in control and the vessels sail and reach their destination with its permission alone. There is not a boat that can control the water, the ocean is the constant thing, the boats come and go.

The ocean’s soul is made up of many who have crossed it. The souls that live in the ocean, those that work with the ocean or encounter it, add their experience to its great depth and vastness.

I think the ocean is a lot like life, we get through it with luck and permission, not by trying to control it.

Men Flutter to Me….

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Dream

Daily Word Prompt – Dream

As a child I dreamt of being a singer, I sang into my hairbrush while standing on the table imagining my adoring crowds below. I sang Marlene Dietrich’s, Falling in Love Again, holding my hands up to the light at the part where the moths gathered around the flame, getting burnt.

Everybody laughed at me and because of this I became even more dramatic, throwing myself onto the floor at the end of the song to entertain the crowd. I sang at every given opportunity to everybody’s dismay, because as I have since learnt, I can’t sing.

My birthday’s are dreaded by friends, because it’s my day and give me a few drinks and a party atmosphere, I will want to sing. I consider my friends lucky that I grew out of blasting out ‘I will Survive’, although I do still have a tendency to select the big numbers that I haven’t a hope in hell of singing. My sister bought me an at home karaoke machine, I think she was secretly hoping I would get bored and give up my dream or at least try keeping it to myself.

I always wanted a boyfriend who would play the guitar or any instrument for that matter, and sing for me, but for some reason this has also escaped me. Maybe this has something to do with the theory that like attracts like, but I continue to listen out and live in hope.

Now, I tend to sing alone, I sing in the shower and sing along with Nina Simone and Billie Holiday on a Sunday morning. I dream of taking singing lessons and learning sing at least one song before I die. I’m getting on and learning to sing is now on my bucket list. Before it’s too late or not possible, I’m going to bloody well do it!

Dreaming of the Light

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Dream

Is it dark in heaven, does anybody know?  I can’t imagine it is ever dark up there, or wherever the there may be.  I have read the stories of people who have travelled there and returned after being cast out to continue thier lives and you won’t find anyone who arrived in the dark.  They, the returned, mostly talk of a bright light, a warmth and of being greated by those that went before them and stayed.  You never hear of anyone who had to turn the light on when they arrived or needed a match.

I think that is why we might be a littled frightened of the dark, especially as children.  Darkness is particular to our existence here, it is put here to show us the difference between heaven and earth.  I think it is supposed to be unnerving until we realise there is really nothing to it, only what we create with our imaginations.  I think of my childhood dreams, of being chased by monsters and such, who never really existed in the light of day.

On the other side, whatever or wherever it is, I have heard the colours are supposed to be so bright, like nothing we have ever seen.  It all appears to be full of brightness and colour  and there are not any dark corners, darkness does not exist, well not in anything I have read.  And then I think of my dreams,  I dream in colour, sometimes wonderful colours.  I don’t remember ever dreaming of the dark, I wonder where I am going.

My dreams are created by me, by my subconscious to to give me a message, help me work something out or teach me something.  I sometimes wonder if I’m travelling beyond this world in my dreams, I do think there is a connection here somewhere. I do have disturbing dreams, big empty rooms, I often miss aeroplanes and I have been naked but I think these are just things I’m working through.

I dream of people that have passed on and sometimes they feel so real, they hug me and I wake up crying.  Other times they are just there in my dream and I think created by me as I am missing them and trying to find them.  Because I have people that live there, I believe in another place even if it only accessible at the moment through my dreams.

I’m not afraid of the dark now because it’s just made up of fear and not knowing.  I try look into the depth of it and try and find the light and colour there, because I know it is there, my people are there.  If it is true that spirits or whatever you call them, are here but exist beyond our sight or understanding, then we should if we look really closely be able to find them in the light, right?

I’m gong to continue to search for the light in my dreams and while I’m awake, I want to understand it.  Sometimes when awake I see little specks of colour, shiny dust I think of it as and it sprinkles around the room.  At night I see the same little specks moving around in the dark.  I do sometimes think I might be getting there speck by speck  but for now it’s only a dream.

 

The Power of You

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You hold me in mind and lend me your strength,

Propelling me forward by sheer will alone.

I begin now, to recognise and believe in myself,

Strong and empowered by the experience of you.

On my life’s journey, I know you are near.

Your thoughts travel with me, protecting my way.

As attached to your soul by invisible thread,

embroidered like silk and tied with love.

The power of love calms storms, clears the sky.

You prop me up, sensing you tall inside.

Planes held aloft, on the winds of your will.

Deep love brings me home again, safely to you.

No time for Sagas

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Saga

What a palaver, you go on and on, of the days long ago when you were strong.

Fabricated stories, great wars and love, please shut up, ‘dear god above’.

Don’t give me your tales, of woe and strife, I simply don’t need them in my life.

Heroic tales of days gone by, I don’t want to hear, they won’t make me cry.

There are those that will listen, invite you in, those who are bored and somewhat dim.

Yes, some will listen, with mouths a gasp, tell your tale there, no need to be fast.

Hastily now, take your big yarns away, be off with your saga without delay.

Death Songs

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Sing

I collect death songs. Death songs are what I call my friends and families funeral songs, I think it important we get it right and therefore they have to choose what they want played. A song that is just right for everybody coming in, a song for the coffin entering and so on through the service.

These death song lists are kept on my iPhone notes under headings like ‘David Dead’ and ‘Laura Dead’. Each friend gets to choose five songs each and they go along with this to keep me entertained. I take it quite seriously, much to everybody’s amusement. My sister gets me, it was her that started it in the first place. Mum chose her own funeral music and even decided on the guest list, there were people who would not have been welcome. The music was perfect and because she chose it I often play these songs when I’m thinking of her.

There are some real tear jerkers in there among my friends songs and some hilarious ones like ‘I know it’s over, The Smiths and Try Not to Breath, REM. I must tell you now, most of these people are only in their early fifties and could well have another thirty or forty years. A lot of them might well outlive me so it will be important for me to hand these songs over on time.

I think people go along with me as I say, either choose your songs or I will sing one for you. Now it is a well known fact that I can’t sing, I love to but I can’t. My dream is to learn to sing on the quiet and create a video to sing for my friends one last time!

What are your five songs?

The Foundation

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Take a deep breath in and release. Watch closely as one by one, on each breath, the cares of the day are let go. Feel that moment of stillness, feel the silence around you and know you are at one with the universe.

Any thoughts that pop up for you, acknowledge and let them pass you by, watch as they dissolve into nothingness.

(Silence)

Now see a staircase in front of you, create the staircase. The steps can be made of whatever you wish, visualise it now. Know that there are ten steps and you are on the top step. Slowly now, step down.

One…

Two…

Three…

Four..

Five, you are half way now..

Six..

Seven..

Eight..

Nine..

Ten..

Now you step from the staircase you find yourself in a field, a summer meadow, full with colourful wild flowers. Look at the tiny heads blowing softly in the wind. What colour stands out for you?

On the other side of the field, there is a seat. You know what the seat looks like, it’s your seat. On the seat there is a brick. I want you to take a seat, lift the brick and put it onto your lap. I want you to look closely at your brick, what is it made of, it could be stone or maybe it’s a crystal, it’s your brick only you know.

This brick is your foundation stone, you are going to lay it, this is your foundation to your future. I’m going to leave you to this task but think carefully about where the stone should be laid, lay it and do it with ceremony. Leave a marker so that you can return again when you feel the need.

(Silence)

You have a few minutes now and then I want you to come back to your body. When your ready open your eyes, move your hands and feet and feel your connection to the earth.

Does anyone have anything they wish to share?