Always Home

 

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Peering through the window now,

I think of our yesterdays.

I can see the kitchen table laid,

it was under there I played.

I can see you pottering all alone,

a smile upon your face.

Knowing that I’d soon be home,

to this very special place.

I can smell the distant memories,

cake and homemade jam.

Looking to my childhood home,

from where my life began.

If I travel the whole wide world,

or to other planets further.

You’ll always stand as home to me,

 you’ll always be my mother.

~

lizalizaskysaregrey©2017

 

 

Leaving You

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I have tried to leave you on a number of occasions, but it is impossible as you always conspire to keep me. I can make up my mind to go and then suddenly I find myself sitting on the beach with you, looking out at the vastness of the sea and wondering if I could really ever be truly happy anywhere else.

I often toy with being away from the craziness of us, I imagine being alone somewhere, maybe in a field, with just the birds singing. But I’m not, I’m still here with you, I stay as I always have since you came into my life. You give me that constant buzz, there is always something going on with us, you still amuse me.

I don’t remember when we first met, it was so long ago and in those first days we just danced and flirted with the idea of us. It wasn’t until much later that I knew I had to be with you.  I packed up my home without a seconds thought and moved to be with you.  I wanted to merge with you, be a part of you, I knew I loved you.

It was hard at first, we were different, your people were different. I had to make changes, I had to soften my edges. You are always changing, still changing, but you’re still the same in the most important ways. You’re welcoming, you always look after everyone, you want them all to have a good time, night and day you keep going.  I remember the festivals and music we danced to, I remember the newness of everything, the excitement and the joy of living.  You still excite me, although I see all sides of you now.

The people you have introduced me to will always be in my life, wherever I go. You knew they would be my people, those crazy, weird and lovely people. Then there is the kindness and love I have discovered here, discovered in myself. I’m not sure I would have found that anywhere else in the world, you gave me that, you provided the opportunities.

As with all great love affairs, I think one day we, you and I will come to an end. But our ending will be gentle, never painful, not us. I will eventually find the courage to leave you, but it will be gradual at first, a few days at a time until I can manage the final goodbye.

I will always love you, there will always be a special place in my heart. Brighton, you will always be my home.

.

Going Home

She walked down the cobbled pathway towards toward her childhood home, she hadn’t been back in years and yet it looked just the same. The shiny cobbles the rain had washed and shined for her arrival, the blossom floating between the cobbles, knocked from the tree in the shower sparked memories of days gone by. A rainbow appeared to arch the ally down the hill to the small house where she had been brought up. Didn’t that signify a pot of gold, she certainly hoped so.

She was looking for herself, she was in search of what was constant inside of her, what was true. She had changed so much since she left the village, travelled the world and met so many people she felt that she had been moulded into something else completely. She wanted to find her essence in all the confusion of life and had felt a pull to return to where it began if she were ever to find the truth.

She wanted to find what was real, not just thought, fear or judgement but real and constant. She knew she had to come back to the village, experience the peace of the place and still her mind. She took a deep breath and slowly let it leave her body as she took a step closer to the house at the end of the lane.

Her therapist had asked her what in her life was constant and she hadn’t been able to answer. She thought it was something about who she really was and might be discovered in returning to where she had come from at the very beginning of her life. The place she had felt safe in, the place in which she had been allowed to be her natural and authentic self.

Now she knew she had to let go of yesterday and the city, let all the thoughts go past. Accept and let them pass, she did’t want to dwell on them, she didn’t want to loose track of why she was here. She looked down at her feet, connecting to the earth and step by step moved closer to home.

The gate still hung from the rickety post, she lifted the latch and pushed it open stepping onto the path. Flowers framed the pathway to the front door, smiling up at her as she passed them, welcoming her home. The door was still green, a slightly deeper shade but green non the less. She put her hand on the brass handle, feeling the warmth of the metal in her palm. She took another deep breath, opened the door and stepped through.

She was in the parlour, it was exactly how she had remembered although she didn’t want to think she wanted to still her mind. The same old comfy chair was in the middle of the room and she stepped towards it and sat, hands open on her lap. Her mind was still and her heart was open as she sat there waiting, watching and listening. She saw herself sitting, she watched as thoughts passed by in trickles, she let them go, detaching herself from anything outside of herself. For the first time in a long time she felt at one with herself, she wasn’t watching herself anymore she was connected to her true self, her essence. She felt love and realised she was love, love was all there was, love was her constant.  She was at one with the watcher inside, the self that accepted without judgment, she was home.

A breeze blew through her hair and she opened her eyes from her meditation and wiped the tears from her cheeks. She uncrossed her legs and stretched up with her arms, it was always good to go home and get away from the city.

Flat for Sale

Jack, the guy from the estate agents, said there would be no problem selling my flat. In fact he had people on his books that already wanted to view it, they were interested in my flat right now. He wanted to know what he could do to stop the other estate agents coming to give a valuation, when he could sell it today.

My home really is wonderful, I have always loved this place. I don’t really want to go but circumstances now mean I must. An upstairs flat doesn’t work anymore, I need to be downstairs now and that will mean leaving Brighton. It makes me sad to leave but I’m happy to have been here.

Jack walked around my flat with his pad and measuring tool and I accompanied him. The main room he said was great, good size and well presented. I wanted to tell him about the parties, the music and dancing that had taken place over the years. How we have laughed till we cried on many occasion in that room. How wooden spoons make fantastic microphones and in here anyone can sing. I thought he should know that I have cooked for and fed the people I love in the main room. My lounge has been checked into a few times on facebook and the food and atmosphere are said to be amazing. I didn’t share this with Jack but I do think it adds to the value.

Lovely big windows, lots of light he said. Yes, I thought, the sun streams in lighting up the room and everyone in here; it is always summer in this room. There is nothing I like better than sitting by those windows in the morning with my coffee; it is where I like to think. The flowers in the window box lean into the room to join me and bring summer indoors.

The bedroom is a good size, huge window. I didn’t mention to Jack that I lie in bed looking up at the sky every day. I set the alarm early, just to lie there. I can’t just jump out of bed, not when I have to plan the day while I’m looking up at the big blue sky from that window. At night I count the stars that shine over the city from the window and the light it lets in casts comfortable and safe shadows around the room.

Jack said he liked the wooden floorboards, a good feature he said. Great for dancing, but we do have to think about Jonathan downstairs if it is late. That is apart from the time he was dancing with us, then we didn’t care.

My neighbours are just fantastic; I’m so lucky to have them. Jonathan is a homeopath who always understands my ailments and humour. You can see his brass plaque just beside the main doorway downstairs. He makes hair products too; they are standing on the shiny glass shelf in my bathroom. If you look out of that big window again, you will see his garden, it’s beautiful all year round, it must be where he gets his inspiration.

The house next door is the vicarage, so no problems there. Robert, the vicar, is lovely, we have shared a few glasses of wine and his stories are hilarious. It is a lovely road, full of great people. What’s more near the centre of the city it’s amazingly quiet.

Before you go, Jack, did I mention the planning permission to extend into the loft. You think that’s a good selling point. No I didn’t ever get around to it, my loft is full of boxed memories.

You’re a great sales man Jack, you remind me of my granddad and he could sell anything, same patter, same charm. Thing is Jack, you don’t have all the information. The best things about this flat are the memories in the walls, the smiles that have been reflected in the glass, the happiness and the love. I think this has always been a happy home and I think anyone that lives here will get that.

Does love and happiness sell Jack, will you tell the prospective purchasers about the love. I think they need to know that it’s a wonderful home, that when the door closes behind you there is nothing quite like it.

You see, when people buy a home in Brighton they buy into a lifestyle. But what makes that even better is the home you live that lifestyle from. This home, my home, has great vibes. I think that all the people that have ever lived here have been blessed and the happiness that has been shared in the flat will fill the walls for years to come.

The Step

There was that creak on the stair again, I had wanted to get to sleep before it came but like most nights, I didn’t manage it.  The step that made that awful noise was the fourth up from the bottom, just as the staircase turned the corner as it headed upwards, towards me.  There were another ten steps after this and then just across the landing to my bedroom.  I held my breath and tucked my head under the bedcovers, waiting for the handle to turn.  Nothing, silence a painful wait in the dark.

 

My little sister slept soundly across the room, I could hear the mumble of her breathing.  I didn’t want to look around the room, not now in the dark, I knew that the shadows cast by the light from the hall would make the strangest of shapes.  That my toys that gave me so much joy in the daylight hours would appear sinister and if I saw, I might never want to play with them again.

 

Mum was moving about downstairs, humming to herself as she prepared herself for bed.  Who was it that had made the stair creak again tonight, nobody else lived in our house.  I had to get to sleep before mum finally went to her room, I couldn’t bear it if I was still awake after she turned off the lights in the hall.  I squeezed my eyes tight and prayed that sleep would come before the darkness filled my room, before the door opened and I would get to see who or what was on the landing.

 

I hated the stair that creaked, I never trod on it myself.  In my dreams, if I did it would open up and swallow me whole, take me to a place where my mum would never find me.  I would hold tightly onto the banister, however much I might be carrying, however hard I wanted the toilet and straddle myself over that creaky step.

 

Nobody else took any notice of the fourth step.  My sister ran up and down the stairs without thinking or counting, it appeared to me she didn’t realise what danger might be hidden under the stairs.   If mum shouted that she should be careful, it was of falling down, directing her to go slower and look where she was going.

 

Maybe our house was haunted, maybe the stair just creaked as the house cooled at night but whatever it was that made the noise, it never got me.