Sorry, it was the silence…



I’m sorry I’ve not been around and sorry I’ve not kept up with your posts. I thought I best try and explain myself and if you know me you’ll know in writing I’m trying to understand myself too.

I love writing, I’m not brilliant, but it’s my therapy and some people seem to like it. I pour my heart out, I’m an open book and show my vulnerabilities. I’m okay with that, I’m the same in person, I wear my heart on my sleeve.

I think with all that went on last year, my moves, my coming to terms with what was happening in my life, I needed time out. I started to notice silence, the silence you find when you let your thoughts drift. Writing for me has always been about formulating my thoughts and understanding myself, but I think I reached a place in which I needed silence more than I needed thought or understanding. Silence gave me a greater awareness of myself, silence is awareness, a natural teacher and worth listening to.

So I got myself a secondhand bike, christened it Tonto and cycled and cycled. I got up every morning before sunrise and cycled out to capture the sun rising from the horizon. I rode in the opposite direction at the end of the day to catch it setting again, I became obsessed with the sun, the sea and of course nature.

I wanted to write but I couldn’t, I couldn’t think of what to say. It’s hard to explain as I’ve never really thought about what to write, I just do it, but I reached a place in which I felt anything I had to say would be for the point of it and without meaning. That probably doesn’t make much sense, it didn’t to me but that’s how it was.

I did do other stuff, I took a course, so did lots of reading. I did write for my course assignments but again felt my heart wasn’t totally in it. I passed anyway so I’m now a qualified clinical hypnotherapist, not to be a hypnotherapist as such I’ve decided, but to incorporate it into my work.

I got to know my dad too, I’d known him for years but this past few months I really got to know him and I’d say he got to know me too. I value that time, we never know how much time we have do we and although my dad is 80 years young, he’s still 80 and says he doesn’t want to live to the great age his grandfather did. He talks about exiting stage left if he ever becomes dependant on anybody, so I’m really pleased we had this time together, I value it immensely.

Here I am today apologising for not being around or keeping up with your work. I hope to, but know there’s so much I’ve missed that I couldn’t possibly keep up with. I felt guilty not being here, as I’ve come to class some of you as friends, it felt like letting my friends down. But I hope you might understand, I just needed that time out.

I’m not going to promise to write daily or even weekly, I just want to ease myself back in now that the time feels right. I’ve two blogs as some of you know and will be focusing on getting to know them both again.

I hope to see you soon and catch up with what you have been doing xx



Time Machine


There is a time machine for sale in the local junk store and I’m thinking of buying it.  There is a disclaimer taped to the top that advises the machine should be used for display purposes only and that any time travel is at the owner’s risk.   I wonder about this, I’m buying it to travel back in time so it needs to work.

I want to go to a few different places but I need to get back from each of them to move on to the next.  Or maybe I will go from one to another and come back to today when I’ve had my fill.   Whichever way I choose to go I want to be certain I can come home.

I have some things I want to say, things I should have said first time around.  I want to let a few people know they are special, that they touched my life.  I realise I can’t make any huge changes, I need to get back to now but the little things I want to do and say won’t change the course of history.

I’m going to become a time traveler, I wonder if it will change me, will I still be the same person on my return.  I will admit, I don’t know an awful lot about time travel, science has never been one of my strengths.   I’ve watched a lot of Dr Who and loved The Matrix, so hopefully I will be fine.

I won’t be visiting family, the people who shaped me, that could change things forever.  Anyway they are here today and the ones that are not know how much they meant to me.  The people I’m visiting might not even remember the events I do, but I want to tell them what they meant to me.

I want to go back to Mr. Khan’s history classroom.  That week when I was leaving school and he kept me behind.  I remember he said to me that I should use him for a reference if I needed one for a job.  He told me that many of the teachers had little time for me and probably wouldn’t bother.  He said he saw something in me, to give his name.  When I was in that job, because of his glowing reference I wished I had said thank you that day.  I probably did, I had manners even then, but I want to be able to go back and say thank you with feeling.  I want to go back to that room and tell him I did well, I did eventually get my head down to study and that I have always remembered him.

I would like to be sitting on the bench with Mr. Davis when he dies, I don’t want him to be alone.  I want to tell him he made me happy, he made me laugh as a teenager and how sad I was that he was alone in the world.  I want to tell him I asked my mum to pray for him the night he died and that he was added to her prayer list.  Thing is with mum, once you’re on there you don’t leave so she has being praying for Mr. Davis for thirty odd years.  I think Mr. Davis would like to know that.

I want to go back to the girl we teased and called flee bags.  I want to tell her I knew she didn’t have flees, I was being a sheep.  I want to ask her if she would like to play with me and be my friend.  But most of all I want to say sorry for not stopping the bullies.  I hear she is happily married with a family.  My mum says she is a lovely girl, who stopped and gave her a hug last time she saw her.  I want to thank her for that.

I would like to smile and say thank you to my husband the day he said he was leaving.  Tell him it was the right decision, that I’m not as sad as I think that day and that my life has been just great.  I would like to suggest we forget the arguments to come, lets not have them.  Because in twenty years when we meet again we will realise we have grown into totally different people.  Some things really are good for as long as they last.

I don’t want to keep going back in time forever, I need to enjoy today.  So I need to make sure that the things I say today, and from now on, are thought about.  That I let people know how special they are on the very days they are special.

Where would you go?