hopelessness

Blue Moon

April 4, 2018April 4, 2018 lizaaitken

That was certainly ‘full on’ couple of days, that big blue moon I mean. I went from happiness to despair and back again. I can be affected by the moon, I recognise and prepare for it, but this last one hit me for six.

On Monday I woke up feeling an emotional wreck, tearful and despondent. I couldn’t see much good in life. I opened my arms and embraced hopelessness fully and without question. Life was pointless, I was pointless and anything out there in the future just wasn’t worth it.

I spent the day going from one disaster to the next. I burnt toast, opened the door and the heavens opened, got lost and ran out of fuel. I didn’t want to talk to anyone and didn’t have anyone to talk to. It rained all day, for the umpteenth day that was, and the plants drowned.

Do you recognise this day, have you visited?

Yesterday I woke up singing, nothing had happened but my world had changed overnight. The sun was shining, the plants didn’t look that bad and I had things to do, people to meet and places to go. Everything went right, starting with my hair and outfit and moving onto everything else. I laughed with the people I met, finished projects and got new leads. People warmed my heart and made me feel loved. To put it simply, life couldn’t be better.

That moon is powerful but I think there’s so more going on. I constantly see double digits, my dreams are wild and my intuition is on overdrive. I think I’m being prepared for something. I’m releasing and letting go, the tears are cleansing, cathartic and restoring. Tears are the weeping of old wounds, healing from the depths within.

Are any of you getting this, are you experiencing similar? Are you managing the changes that are happening or are you immune to it? Is it necessary for growth, is it happening to all of us. Do some people just not notice or are they being left behind?

I know it’s crazy but it’s my kind of crazy now. I’m rolling with it, I’m trusting that there’s something wonderful to come. Today’s another sunny day and any clouds are just full of hope.

I watch the moon daily, I live by the sea and often stand on the shore watching the tides, sun and moon. I’ve been sun gazing too, that’s another story. The sun feeds me and the moon washes me, they are necessary to my growth, just as they are to the plants and everything else.

It’s all just cycles, I’m in a cycle, I’m moving through and so are you. Love to hear what you think of my craziness 🙂

Without Hope

November 10, 2016November 10, 2016 lizaaitken

I’m feeling very frightened,

I am very much alone.

I’m still willing you to call me,

I’m sitting by the phone.

I’m feeling like I’m falling,

without the wings to fly.

The dreams I had are fading now,

it’s time to say goodbye.

Darkness is approaching fast,

I watch the fading light.

Hopelessness is rising,

drawing closer with the night.

Do I really ever matter,

is anybody there.

I have to snap right out of this,

but did you ever really care.

I’m just considering my value,

to anybody now.

Come dawn maybe I’ll rise again,

If the gods allow.

October 18, 2016 lizaaitken

The full moon always affects me, I often don’t know it’s coming but I know when it’s arrived. I’m not sure why, I’ve heard we are ruled by the tides, the moon controls the tides, so it’s that simple I suppose. I also live by the sea, I’m sure you’ve heard of those that ‘live on the edge’.

I’m not usually given to moods, but this week I have a feeling of hopelessness descending that I can’t seem to kick. This really isn’t like me, I’m upbeat, don’t worry about things and know that everything comes to pass.

It makes sense when I think about it, the anniversary of my mothers death is next week. It’s been two years now and I miss her terribly. It is a wound I carry, I loved her and miss her but I am not always sad, because I remember her beauty and laughter. We used to talk everyday, I’m still talking but she’s not answering, well least not that I can hear any way. I’m missing the opportunities of being with her, those that I took for granted.

It will pass and life will go on, I will laugh and have fun. I will continue to see the beauty in the world and in others and I will love with all my heart. But and here’s the big but, it’s okay to have a bad day once in a while. It is okay to give into feelings because they are there it is okay sometimes to give into feelings of helplessness.

Not to acknowledge sadness is to repress it, and when we do that we are just freezing it out until it returns to get us as true feelings cannot be repressed forever. I used to bury a lot, anger, fear, sadness but I found it’s not helpful to me and on top of that I have to spend a fortune getting it cleared!

If I’m sad now, I acknowledge it and let it in to sit with me a while. I think about it, communicate with it and make sense of it, only then can I let it go. I believe we have to do this, it’s being present, being in the moment and working on ourselves. We can’t hide the truth, it’s better to face it, accept it and move on.

I’m in a good place in that I am able to understand what is going on, I understand how emotions can take control of us, I understand the impact of trauma and stress. I give myself therapy, lots of healing and loving care, I make sure my environment is therapeutic and put good food into my body. I visit others for healing and energy work, supervision for my emotions I call it. I practice yoga and meditation, okay I’m a little lapse on the yoga but the intention is there. I wouldn’t be able to work helping others think through their own muddles and trauma if I couldn’t do that same work on myself.

We have to acknowledge that not everything is rosy all the time, we experience joy because we understand the opposite. Summers are so much better after a harsh winter and the birth of a child reminds us of those we have lost. We have to accept death, because to accept death confirms the experience of having had love in our lives.

To live in a world were everything is great all the time is just not honest. Our moods do change and life has a way of knocking us off our feet sometimes. If we keep pretending there is no problem, we will never face it, we are not living our true reality.

So my melancholy mood is okay, I’m thoughtful for the moment and want to be on my own for a while, but it will pass as everything does. Even writing this has cheered me up, writing for me is therapeutic. I hope this might help others in recognising that all things pass but if not it has helped me.

I’ll be back out there laughing and having fun in no time and I will enjoy it all the more.