The full moon always affects me, I often don’t know it’s coming but I know when it’s arrived. I’m not sure why, I’ve heard we are ruled by the tides, the moon controls the tides, so it’s that simple I suppose. I also live by the sea, I’m sure you’ve heard of those that ‘live on the edge’.

I’m not usually given to moods, but this week I have a feeling of hopelessness descending that I can’t seem to kick. This really isn’t like me, I’m upbeat, don’t worry about things and know that everything comes to pass.

It makes sense when I think about it, the anniversary of my mothers death is next week. It’s been two years now and I miss her terribly. It is a wound I carry, I loved her and miss her but I am not always sad, because I remember her beauty and laughter. We used to talk everyday, I’m still talking but she’s not answering, well least not that I can hear any way. I’m missing the opportunities of being with her, those that I took for granted.

It will pass and life will go on, I will laugh and have fun. I will continue to see the beauty in the world and in others and I will love with all my heart. But and here’s the big but, it’s okay to have a bad day once in a while. It is okay to give into feelings because they are there it is okay sometimes to give into feelings of helplessness.

Not to acknowledge sadness is to repress it, and when we do that we are just freezing it out until it returns to get us as true feelings cannot be repressed forever. I used to bury a lot, anger, fear, sadness but I found it’s not helpful to me and on top of that I have to spend a fortune getting it cleared!

If I’m sad now, I acknowledge it and let it in to sit with me a while. I think about it, communicate with it and make sense of it, only then can I let it go. I believe we have to do this, it’s being present, being in the moment and working on ourselves. We can’t hide the truth, it’s better to face it, accept it and move on.

I’m in a good place in that I am able to understand what is going on, I understand how emotions can take control of us, I understand the impact of trauma and stress. I give myself therapy, lots of healing and loving care, I make sure my environment is therapeutic and put good food into my body.  I visit others for healing and energy work, supervision for my emotions I call it. I practice yoga and meditation, okay I’m a little lapse on the yoga but the intention is there. I wouldn’t be able to work helping others think through their own muddles and trauma if I couldn’t do that same work on myself.

We have to acknowledge that not everything is rosy all the time, we experience joy because we understand the opposite.  Summers are so much better after a harsh winter and the birth of a child reminds us of those we have lost.  We have to accept death, because to accept death confirms the experience of having had love in our lives.

To live in a world were everything is great all the time is just not honest. Our moods do change and life has a way of knocking us off our feet sometimes. If we keep pretending there is no problem, we will never face it, we are not living our true reality.

So my melancholy mood is okay, I’m thoughtful for the moment and want to be on my own for a while, but it will pass as everything does. Even writing this has cheered me up, writing for me is therapeutic. I hope this might help others in recognising that all things pass but if not it has helped me.

I’ll be back out there laughing and having fun in no time and I will enjoy it all the more.

21 thoughts on “Hopelessness”

  1. I understand how you feel but without the lows how can we appreciate the highs. I think bereavement stays with us for ever (not wishing to make you feel worse here) but it’s true, it does get more manageable, but it is still early days or you.

    I get the feeling that your mum is so proud of you (tearing up myself now 😳) and she would love your fantastic posts and the fact your still standing.

    We have our strong beliefs but we are still human (most of the time) anyway.

    So have your period of sadness, better out than in, then you will come back stronger and wiser 🙄 well stronger anyway. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This post is incredible. Understanding the emotions and how to balance them with the present moment, this can come with understanding life. You have done it really well and I feel this can be a positive reflection on dealing with life’s reality. Blessings to you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, that has certainly uplifted me today. I also think I am lucky in a way, having worked with and studied trauma, I have a better understanding of what is going on and the path to recovery. I am very grateful for your comment Amitav.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Your vulnerability in writing this is extremely touching. Many unfortunately, have no idea how to reach their emotions, having stuffed them down forever. It’s a sad truth that according to society’s archaic rules, it’s not ok to be sad, mad, melancholy, and that grieving must me done in private or not at all. I’m extremely proud of you and thrilled to know you. You face what comes, and move through it. No greater gift could you possibly share with the world. Especially those who can’t or don’t know how. You are an absolute delight. thank you so much!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Phyllis so lovely of you to say. Truth is I have always worn my heart on my sleeve, would find it hard to be any different. Maybe it means the feelings are closer to the surface, but that wouldn’t really account for those buried ones that have meant lots of work! Your words are very touching xx


      1. Heartfelt as well. Your one of the delightful women I have found here, and whose prose I so enjoy. Your a lovely person, clearly. Your continued self searching and questioning, is vulnerable and appealing and very touching. I applaud you your bravery! It’s very humbling indeed.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you again 🙂 I’m not sure if my vulnerability is brave or stupid sometimes but it’s where I’m comfortable. Maybe easier on a blog although I’m probably the same in person if I’m honest xx


      3. One thing I’ve learned, it’s more difficult to change your personality whether its through a blog or in person. If your anything like me, I can’t separate the two, except when writing fiction, and even then, I have to work at pretending to be someone else.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I sincerely don’t believe we can leave ourselves out of writing. I believe the essence of who we are invariably makes its way through to the outside world. That’s why so many, are so appealing. You get a glimpse of their soul. That’s who you are. Why you are so special. It makes you, you, unique, delightful, funny, an awesome writer btw, and someone to know. last word, lol, now I’ll go. Had to say that though, it’s been on my mind for a few days and I wanted to let you know.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. I suppose that’s why writing a mystery was a bit of a struggle. I find it difficult to be mean and evil, I can’t quite wrap my head around those that would harm others. I just wrote a blog about value, and to a great degree, it was about you. You are one of the few I value and I suppose that says a lot since I rarely value people, in that it’s difficult for me to really be open and get close. I’m guarded in that way.

        Liked by 1 person

      6. That’s great, can’t wait to read, I will make myself a cuppa and settle down to it. Having got to know your gentle, giving side I wouldn’t imagine being evil is easy at all. I don’t think I have ever written about anyone evil but imagine if I did I would have to draw on my fears somehow. I’m humbled to hear I’m valued and also grateful. You seem to be able to open up with me, but that is one of my superpowers, being able to connect in a way others can open up and feel safe. Good job in a way considering my work is helping those who are traumatised by experience, helping them towards recovery anyway 😘


      7. I feel very connected to you. You have a gentle spirit and soul and you reach out to others with vulnerability which is touching and humbling. I genuinely care about you. It’s more than words on a piece of paper. So for what it’s worth, know I am here in your corner quietly applauding you and your search for depth and inner understanding.

        Liked by 1 person

      8. That’s lovely, I’m very touched. Your right I do feel I’m reaching out, as if I can share myself I might help others in some way. Good to know I have you in my corner 🙂 Isn’t it strange how we begin to feel connected and care about people we have never met, it’s also lovely. Talking about caring, isn’t it way past your bedtime 😉😘


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