Tides of Change


I’m going through a difficult phase in life at the moment, you might or might not have noticed, but this influences what I write.  The structures around me are falling away, the tides are changing  as is what I once trusted and my priorities, I’m changing from the inside out.  But I retain hope, I believe there is something out there just waiting for me to discover it.

I know this change is the culmination of a number of difficult years where my experience of grief and loss led me to a point of reevaluation.  I’m not the same person I was five years ago, not even the same person I was a couple of days ago.  Things are moving fast for me now, I’m changing by the moment.  It’s an anxious time, but I’m trying to breath through it, hold onto my beliefs that everything is as it should be.  I’ve been here before and I did make it before just as I will again, that it’s a little harder this time is just evolution.

I believe life only gives us what we can manage, and although I’m not always sure at the time I will manage I have incredible resilience.  I have wonderful friends and family who provide the support network I need.  Some friends, I’ve begun to realise, are not what I once thought, but others feed my soul.  Bloggers I’ve met on here have been so supportive, I hope that I am also able to help in the same way, I try to inspire just as I’m inspired by you.

I’ve discovered nature, I have a deeper connection somehow through looking at the messages nature gives me.  I share these as I hope the messages might mean something to others.  Colours are brighter, feelings more intense, everything is changing but I think it must be for the better.

Nature tells me everything is going to be alright, the world will go on spinning.  Seasons will come and go and in some way there will be an impact on the environment, land will change shape, cliffs will erode, rivers will dry up or widen but they will continue to lead to the sea. Life in all it’s glory will continue as it should.






Testing my Resilience

I was saying the other day how I was resilient, how I felt resilience came from how you coped with past experiences.  An ability to put yourself outside of a situation and not feel the pain of it, recognise the trauma but protect yourself from it.  I wrote it down, it was going to be included in one of my stories.

‘What about resilience, do we develop it here on earth or is this something we bring with us, learnt from the many challenges of the paths we have walked before. What is natural resilience anyway, I’m resilient but I know I have achieved this through my own experiences. I am able to deal with some traumatic situations by removing myself from the pain of them. Or am I still kidding myself, will the pain slap me around the face one day’.

You didn’t come home last night after work.  That’s okay you’re young and probably having fun, out straight from work on a Saturday night and forgot yourself.  I would have done the same myself at 25.  I texted you in the evening to say that I was going on Skype, so be quiet if you came in, you didn’t disturb me.

I went to bed at midnight and left the light on in the hall for you.  If you had a few drinks I wanted to be sure you were safe and would not trip on the stairs.  I do this when you’re late, I get up in the morning and you have turned it off and your bedroom door is closed.

The light was still on, the door is open, you’re not home.

I’m telling myself that you’re fine, you probably stayed at Ruby’s and as it was late didn’t want to wake me.  I have three hours until you’re due in work and then you will call.  Why didn’t you text, I could have found it when I woke.  What about email, you know I check them on my phone.

I probably seem over protective but I’m not, I want you to have fun.  It’s just that you have never done this before, you always think of other people, well me anyway.  You are considerate, you think of my feelings.  Your boss tells me every time I see him how well brought up you are, what manners you have.  Well, that is all down to you my lovely, you’re a natural.  That’s why I’m starting to panic, just a little bit.

I know you’re fine really and I’m letting my imagination run away with me.  If you were not, someone would have let me know.  I think of how they can check your wallet, they find out where you live from your bankcards.  What if you lost your wallet, what if you’re unconscious?  It’s okay, I just realised Ruby would be able to tell anyone if you were hurt.  But what if you’re not with her, maybe I just assumed it was her you were with, you might have been alone.

I texted you again half an hour ago, I didn’t phone in case you’re still sleeping.  Hurry up and wake up darling, put my mind at ease.

I know life is full of challenges, but you hope they lessen a bit as you learn form them.  I couldn’t cope if you were hurt, you’re my Achilles Heel darling.  I would go mad without you in my life.  What am I saying you’re probably just hung over, thoughtless, selfish, but I know you’re not.  I think about that some more, you can be selfish when you let me pick up after you, which is good today, and it’s how I want it to be.  I want to think you are just uncaring, no I don’t, I just want to know you are all right.

It is quiet in town today, apart from the gulls screeching over the roofs.  I’m aware my ears are tuned to the street, listening for footsteps in case you pop home to change.

I can’t do anything, I’m sitting here in my dressing gown waiting for you to make the next move.  If I get in the shower you might call, the police might knock on the door, the hospital might call.  Time is trickling by today, hurry up and help the hands of the clock get back to normal.

I’m not really as resilient as I thought, nowhere near it.  I’m a mother who wants to know if her boy is okay.