Growing together in any relationship does not always mean looking in the same direction. Relationships thrive and grow on support and respect for each other’s points of views.
~ Liza
Tag: relationships
Us
I’m struggling to find the words today, I can’t really get them out.
I stare at you so vacantly, your wondering what it’s about.
I’m wishing to be unique today, to you, that’s me and not us.
I’m finding it so difficult, adapting me and adjusting to us.
Is it Over…
I really tried to tell you, explain to you my path,
I only wished you listened, you really make me laugh.
Having all the answers, although you didn’t see,
the very subtle changes, that were happening to me.
Drifting up two different roads, traveling separate ways,
I hardly think you noticed, when I was gone for days.
So now you want to real me in, tell me that you care,
tell me that I have it wrong and you were always there.
Well my love, my golden boy, I really thought you knew,
that you and I and all that jazz, are well and truly through
Tomorrow
Tomorrow you might not be here anymore. Tomorrow might not be the day after today, but there will be a tomorrow when you are gone. I can’t imagine a tomorrow without you, where you are not in my world. But tomorrow can wait because you are here today. Today I can talk with you and tell you all the things you need to hear, how very, very special you are.
Lets first start with yesterday, not the day before today but all our yesterdays. How we have walked many paths of experience together, shared many smiles and laughed out loud together. How on that first yesterday, the yesterday we met, you loved me from the moment you saw me. I’m not sure I remember how I felt, but I’m sure it was the same because I don’t remember ever not loving you. We have spent a lifetime together, my lifetime anyway. I know you started yours before me and mine might go on a little longer but knowing you is as old as my bones. You are my oldest memory, my first memory and my forever memory. Yesterday you taught me kindness, I copied you and it was easy. Yesterday you showed me love and empathy, and because I received it from you, it became easy for me to show it to others. Yesterday you listened to me, you have always listened to me and I understand the importance of listening to others. You taught me a lot and what did I give you in return. Yesterday I taught you fear, from the moment we met I know you feared you might loose me. You feared for my safety and feared I might be hurt, you feared that I would be sad. I tested you a little along the way with that lesson. You taught me a little of that fear too, I’m fearful now for you.
Today you are in my life, today I can touch you, hold you, smell you. I can look into your lovely blue eyes, be warmed by your smile and hear your voice. Today I can see an aura around you that glows golden with your beauty. There are angels in your aura, they add to the shine, they bathe in the pureness of it. Today I can care for you, be there and show you how very special you will always be.
I am going to put yesterday, today and tomorrow in a jar and shake them up. Shake them so they mix together and become one. Shake them until they melt into one place and time that we will always share.
On Being Held in Mind
I’m talking to you on the phone as I walk up the hill from the station and towards home. There are plenty of people about even though its past midnight, but I know you won’t rest until you have seen me home. That’s the thing with you mum, you are able to keep me safe by holding me in mind, being present in spirit and keeping anything bad away. I remember the first time I flew on a plane when I was 12 and went to Romania on a school trip. You sat down that morning at the kitchen table and willed that plane to stay in the air, you didn’t move until you were sure it had touched down, I knew you were holding it up. It was years ago and before we all had mobiles so you never got the message I had landed, you just knew.
I recognise the importance of an attentive parent responding to a child’s needs in infancy as being crucial to the child’s development and that being held in mind is connected to a child’s ability to know that a parent is there for them even when they are not physically present but mum I’m 50!
I’m not complaining really, being held in mind by you has always been wonderful. It has kept me safe and also given me extra strength along the way. Any doubts I have experienced in my ability to do something have often been blown away when I remembered you believed I could do it. Its been this way all my life, from the moment I was born you have believed in me, worried for me and beyond anything else loved me no matter what. I can’t think of a time in life you haven’t been with me, you have seen me through the best and worst of experiences. My life lessons have all involved you. When I have taken the longer path you have walked it with me, however hard you knew I would find the right way in the end. But on occasion if I’m honest mum, this preoccupation with my safety has driven me a little mad.
I remember when I had my son and you were interviewed for Woman’s Hour on becoming a grandparent. You told the presenter that by having a baby it made me vulnerable as from that day forward I could be hurt like I had never been hurt before if anything happened to my child. It makes perfect sense to me, your right our worries about our children are our biggest and most frightening but we also have to let them live.
You often worry about things that are never going to happen, its very unlikely that terrorists will get on the plane I am flying on, a bomb will go off on the tube I’m travelling in or my car will break down and be buried in a blizzard. That’s not to say I don’t take your advice and carry a blanket in the boot mum, rest assured.
I know you touch my picture every night before you go to sleep and I know you think of me on waking and all through the day. I know you like to share my worries so that I don’t suffer the stress of them on my own, but doesn’t that just add to your worries. Now I’m worrying about you worrying about me and it worries me!
I put my key in the door and tell you I’m home safe, I want you to relax now. I’m a big girl and your the vulnerable one now, let me worry about you, take responsibility and hold you in my thoughts now.
Talking to Myself
‘I’m going to keep on talking to you until you listen, that’s right there is no ignoring me you are going to have to eventually answer back’. I was talking to you as I wondered the flat, soaking up all the memories that took me back so many years. I could smell you everywhere, in the linen on the bed, in the clothes laid out neatly over the chair and in the air I breathed in deeply. ‘Are you listening to me?’ I called out to you as I looked at the photo of us by the bedside. It was taken many years ago and faded from the sunlight that steamed in through the window, even today. The smiles were still there, in that black and white photo and reminded again me of the fun we had that day. We always had fun, whatever the situation at some point we always found the funny side of it. When you do eventually decide to start talking to me I will ask you if you recall the day in Cambridge. If you remember the day when stupidly I pointed out the Waterstone’s bookshop and told you I thought they would have some very good books in there. Not many people would have got the madness of that, my connecting visiting a university town with the stock of its bookshop, certainly not the people who gave us strange looks and stepped around us as we sat huddled on the pavement outside the store unable to move through our laughter and tears.
The silence was broken with a crash from the kitchen, what had you done this time. I walked into the empty room to see a cup on the floor and broken in half. The cat looking down from the dresser with an indignant look that told me the cup had been in the wrong place. I picked up the pieces and called out that I was sorry for assuming it was you. Where are you, the flat is not that big, what are you doing. I wonder if you are watching me and I just can’t see you, are you smiling. I finish the washing up, putting your cup where you like it by the polished kettle, I’m sure you wouldn’t have minded me using it. I look around the room to make sure everything is in its place and the table is clear of crumbs before heading down the hall. I put on my coat, hanging next to yours in the hallway and linger looking at my reflection in the mirror, I look beyond myself at the room behind me, everything is as it should be, except for you. As I pick up the key from the tray by the door I try one more time. ‘I hope you are in more of a talkative mood when I get back’ I call after me ‘please try’.
I leave the light on for you as I close the door and head off down the street. The evening is drawing in and the children look like they are heading home. I pull my coat closer and hope that the medium on the church platform will have more luck with you tonight.
lizalizaskysaregrey 