Saving the Cockroaches.

My friend suggested cockroaches through the letterbox, or even better fire ants but I’m remaining sane this time.  My boys hurting, he has been treated unfairly, bullied and intimidated by an imbecile, twat, selfish f……there I go, now back to sane.

As a mother, it really hurts deep in your insides when someone trips your kids up in any way.  From the playground to adulthood, it doesn’t get any easier, it hurts like bloody mad.  I think when you have children, you learn what fear is for the very first time, you realise that you can be demolished quite easily, without even being known or seen.

I’m a rational human being, I’m a carer, I love people for their flaws and forgive more than most.  But when it comes to my boy this rather weird, screwed, insane woman emerges from my bed each morning.  I am a witch, crow, hag and potential murderer!

No, I couldn’t kill, but god do I fantasize about it on occasion, alone in the dark, driving down a quiet road, I’m not me anymore I am the avenger of all the wrong in the world, I am the saviour of the righteous and the slayer of all the nasty little shits I can find!

What can I do to help myself, help my boy so his mum isn’t locked away.  I have to remain sane and share my sanity with the world.  I have to bury that demented cow that keeps getting up every day and find her good kindhearted sister.  I have to be grown up and get on with life.  I have to forget that revenge is a dish best eaten cold or frozen.

I believe all this crap I read about being good and kind.  I think like attracts like and we are only given what we can deal with in life.  Every challenge is a lesson and a new door is opening and all that good stuff.

So now, I have to think about my wonderful boy and be even kinder when it comes to cockroaches!

After the Bullies

I watch from the window as you walk down the quiet street.  I’m tucked away in case you look around, I don’t want you to see me up here.  You walk stiffly, shoulders bent and head down, your arms straight and tight by your side.  Those arms should be swinging, you should look comfortable in your body, your head should be high and you should be at your full and beautiful size my wonderful girl.

I see you pause and I look beyond you, to see what has distracted you from your path.  I see the gang of teenage girls, younger than you are now, sitting upon the wall up ahead.  They wouldn’t appear threatening to many people, but to you I know they are a huge obstacle.  You stop for just a moment, I think you might turn around and return home but you cross the road to distance yourself from the group.  They don’t even notice you as you pass on the other side of the street, but I’m sure it doesn’t feel like that to you.  I’m sure just like me you’re holding your breath, waiting for a shout or something to be thrown.  There, my love its over, you made it and they are sure to be gone by your return in an hour, if not you can walk on the other side again, no one will notice.

I hate the bullies that did this to you, took away your teenage years when you should be laughing and maybe like the other girls sitting on the wall talking about boy bands and boyfriends.  I hate the fact that many of your hours are spent in your room with the curtains closed, listening to that awful music and writing in your diary.  I wish you didn’t wear black all the time, I really think you could do with some colour in your life.

Your diary shouts at me from across your room, spews out your hurt, it screams loudly your loss.  I would never open the cover and look but I can feel the pain inside those pages, feel your loneliness and hear your anger. 

I would take away your pain in a moment, carry it for you and more on top if I thought it would give you your youth back.  I know you will overcome this one day, know that you will have a wonderful life.  You are just too lovely not to and like attracts like in the end my darling I promise.

I’m still at the window just over an hour later as you return.  I duck behind the curtain as I see you turn the corner.  It has been a long hour for both of us but you won’t know that I have been watching for you as I sit down with my feet curled under me and open my book.