Could I have done better?

It’s human nature to ask ourselves if we could have done better. We constantly doubt ourselves, question our own integrity, kindness and sometimes love. This is even more prevalent when we loose someone or something, grief has a way of making us doubt ourselves, punish ourselves for not being perfect all the time. We forget that we are only human, we are not in any way perfect.

My friend lost his cat last night, it had been ill a few days and last night went out into the garden to die. My friend was devastated and said he should have taken him to the vet earlier, taken more notice and booked an emergency appointment, in a way blaming himself for Sammy’s death. I’ve done this, I dropped a large dish from the cupboard, which crashed and made the bang that finally burst the tumour on my cats heart. I berated myself for not being more carful, for causing the bang which ended her life. Truth was, she had been ill for some time, I had always lavished her with love and attention. She had a cancerous tumour on her heart and she would never have lasted forever. It seems natural that we question and often blame ourselves in times of distress.

After the loss of someone we love we ask ourselves why we didn’t do more, why we couldn’t have been better, we think back on times where we put our own needs first and it’s incredibly painful. Truth is, as I said before, we are human, we make mistakes but with that we do an incredible amount of good. If we do the best we can given the circumstances, we are doing our best.

Sometimes we don’t realise how close to the end of someones life we are, we tire if we are constantly caring for them, we might get irritable or short tempered. It’s only after they have passed that we realise how little time we had and regret those moments of weakness. We tend to push back the good we did and feel terrible for the moments we were not so on the ball.

We can’t be perfect all the time, we have good and bad moments, times where we are not so wonderful as we would like to be. We get tired, we don’t hear or see what’s happening and sometimes our own needs get in the way.

I can rest knowing that I did the best I could for those I’ve lost, I recognise where I might have done better but at the time I didn’t realise how little time I had. I needed to sleep, eat and look after myself too. I know one hundred percent that they felt loved, I know they felt cared for and held in mind, even at times I wasn’t there. I also know they recognised the pain I was suffering because of there impending death. I know they know I did my best, so I’m not going to beat myself up by continually questioning if I could have done better.

To show love, care and kindness every day, is truly the best we can do. We don’t know what will happen tomorrow and can’t live a life of just in case.

~

Better